"Woodman, Spare That Tree!"

Funny story written by Herrdoktorfox

Wednesday, 8 September 2010


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image for "Woodman, Spare That Tree!"
A crack SAS operative kicking the shit out of something?

One of the best feuds to surface since the famous Hatfield and McCoys has erupted in the aptly named, one horse town of, Western Mill,near Plymouth.

Seemingly, it all started way back in 1991 when broody,overweight, blond, blue-eyed East German male, Fritz Von Alvand, then aged 47, was housed by Plymouth local council, having long since escaped from behind the Iron Curtain to seek freedom.

Neigbours soon noted that Fritz was a very unsociable bastard who rarely ventured from the three-bedroomed council property. Therefore, any attempts to be sociable with this 'foreign Johnny' soon faded away.

Long standing resident, Jack Tupp, 79, who lives opposite Fritz told this reporter; "Like, this fat Kraut suddenly makes an appearance one Sunday morning like, in his front garden. The fecker were wearing nowt but a pair of oversized feckin' khaki shorts and feckin' Wellington boots like. I said to Maude, that's the wife like, I said, quick Maude stop stroking that there pussy of yorn and get a feckin' load of this like. So we stood stock, standing still like and watched through the nets like.

"He must have spent a good feckin' 30 minutes planting what appeared to be a number of teeny tiny conifer tree's before suddenly dropping his shorts and mooning at me and the wife! It were downright feckin' disgusting I can tell yer, Maude had the hot sweats for a good month after the incident, bloody frightening it were! Then, later that same day like, a 'Wicks' lorry pulls up like loaded with stuff, timber, cement, sand, arch lamps and rolls of barb wire like?"

Retired Wicks lorry driver, Seth Poole takes up the story. "Yeah, I remember this kraut git, he took receipt of timber,sand, cement, barbed wire and a couple of full size arch lamps. Couldn't get a word out of the bleeder not even a bloody tip!"

As the weeks progressed Fritz' immediate neighbour one, Walter Melon, notice a rather tall and grotesque grey wall being erected along his back garden. "It were bloody well frightening I can tell yer, up and up it went, high as the bloody gutter blocked out all the daylight it did. I got onto the Council straight away and put in a formal complaint, load of feckin' wankers, they just did not want to listen so I had to canvass around the neighbours for support. Finally I got enough signatures for the Council to kick some arse....12 bleeding years it took before they made that Fritzer knock that bloody wall down, 12 sodding years with no feckin' sunlight. It got so bad when me relatives came to visit they thought the feckin' kids were bloody Albino!"

Countless attempts to contact Von Alvand over the years had proved unsuccessful and telephone calls proved pointless as he never answered. Finally, out of total desperation Plymouth Council had been obliged to bring in the heavy guns namely, the SAS. The latter had stormed Von Alvands house one early morning during daylight saving, when it was pitch black, and kicked the shit out of his front door!

Head of the crack SAS unit, Captain Myles Long and his team were astounded when confronted with the inside of the house, it had been turned into a shrine celebrating East German Communism and Culture. Meanwhile,Fritz was discovered in his bedroom having one off the wrist while watching old East German Cultural Videos, he merely smiled weakly when faced with the invaders.

Taken off in an ambulance Fritz Von Alvand was subjected to numerous physiatric tests by NHS psychiatrist, Dr.Ivor Hanus, all of which proved inconclusive but measured 9.7 on the richter scale. This in turn resulted in him being released immediately due to the human rights act. Basically, if he wanted to act like a feckin' lunatic he had every right to do so etc.

Returning home, Fritz soon returned to his reclusive ways continuing to shun each and every one of his neighbours. Meanwhile, the once teeny tiny 'conifers' which had long since been identified as dreaded leylandii trees by local gardening buff, Ms Laura Norder, had grown rapidly!

At time of going to press they are towering way above Fritz's house totally obscuring his front door and any and all light!

Neighbours are once again mounting a campaign agaist Fritz to have the trees chopped down. However, Fritz, now aged 66, argues that it is his human rights to have plenty of bush when, where and as often as he likes. However, there has been a slight breakthrough and in order to assist the postman with delivering his mail Fritz has chainsawed a passageway through the trees leading to his front door. In a further act of good faith, seen by some as possible future compromise, Fritz has also hung fairy lights through the passageway in order that the postman can actally see where he is going without gouging his eyes out.

Local postie, Doug Hole, comments, "Yeah cool, everytime I deliver mail to old Fritzer its like strolling through Efteling feckin' theme Park, especially as the old prick has now added garden gnomes and one of them plastic Merrkat staues. Still, live and let live says I, at least the old prick left me out a mince pie and a pint of kraut lager last Christmas!"

As the protest gathers momentum Plymouth Council have sub-contracted leading Irish tree-felling company, "Singh,Patel & Khan" to move in ASAP and chop the offending leylandii down and have requested that the SAS stay on full alert should they be needed!

SKY News cougar Kay Burley will keep her bush well trimmed at all times!

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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