Everybody knows that Shrove Tuesday is Pancake Day, but Catholic Church leaders are concerned that many people do not understand the origins of the day.
Also known as Mardi Gras (or Fat Tuesday, when translated using Google Translate), Shrove Tuesday is the eve of Lent, an important time in the Catholic Calendar, more important even than Christmas to the devout. Lent is all about abstinence, as even the heathens know, and Shrove Tuesday is all about fattening up ahead of fasting or abandoning guilty pleasures, including butter, flour, milk and eggs - the ingredients of pancakes. Not that anybody does that any more, even the Pope has been known to carry on eating five square meals a day during Lent. Instead of penance, Lent is now about not eating cakes or drinking Budweiser instead of beer.
Arch Cardinal Deuteronomy Bosch is fed up with the lack of piety during this most holy of periods.
"How can giving up DIY bring people closer to God?" asks Bosch. "How can eating pancakes be suitable preparation for a period of fasting? The bloody things don't fill you up, no matter how many you eat."
Bosch is even more livid about pancake mixes. "During lent, there should be no eggs or butter, which is why we use it up in pancakes, so I decree that these 'shake-and-bake' mixes for pancake are the devils work! And to make matters worse, all our local supermarkets always, and I mean ALWAYS run out ahead of pancake day, so I have to make my own! Does anybody know where I can get hold of some flour?"