Kick Out The Jams, Obama Haters (Excuse Me, While I Kiss This Guy!)

Funny story written by John Peurach

Sunday, 12 September 2010

image for Kick Out The Jams, Obama Haters (Excuse Me, While I Kiss This Guy!)
FOUNDING FATHERS: Roll over George Washington, and tell Thomas, Teddy & Abe the news!

LOS ANGELES - During a recent speech at Wisconsin's Laborfest, President Obama stunned an otherwise enraptured holiday audience with an off-the-cuff shout-out aimed directly at some of his more perpetually disgruntled critics within the overcrowded Republican camp, who have seemingly been on his case since Day 1.

"Some powerful interests who had been dominating the agenda in Washington for a long time - and they're not always happy with me - they talk about me like a dog. That's not in my prepared remarks, but it's true," said the president, repeatedly pointing his finger defiantly at the crowd, that, at the time, included a small, yet noisy, fringe group of beer-soaked hecklers who were apparently under the mistaken impression that the mid-day address would also feature a large quantity of festive balloon animals, in addition to its customary lengthy focus on creating jobs, stimulating the nation's economic recovery, and making fun of whoever's scheduled to be on this season's "Dancing With The Stars."

Adding a certain amount of WTF confusion to the whole semi-choreographed down home-like scene, was the fact that President Obama delivered much of his frothy broadside, while strumming a ukulele. Backing him up for this special one performance only occasion, were Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel on bass, Secretary of Labor Hilda Solis laying down the beat pound on a meaner than usual sort of skins, and (speaking of which) Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton sitting in and/or mostly just moping around, playing tambourine and occasional singing back-up.

Too bad Bill was elsewhere, no doubt airing it out in the windowless corridor of his own choosing. Or else he'd have been there with the others, up on stage blowing a big one. Or, if so inclined (full-tilt-wise), perhaps busy receiving solo accompaniment from a back-of-the-head kneeling someone, who, although not yet officially introduced to those certainly soon to be waiting in line to further ruin her life, would, soon enough, be more than just glad to publically state her clueless/graceless case to anyone, if and whenever required, for a reasonable, yet substantial price, and/or for a chance for what's behind the curtain.

(Uh-oh, wrong show.)

Meanwhile, creating an even more pronounced hear-these-words snafu, with regards to President Obama's anything but unplugged coming out dance party, were some obvious nagging questions concerning the back story origins of some of his more choice, well phrased words during a significant portion of his rather snappy improv comeback that, at the moment of delivery, seemed to both thrill, as well as confuse, many of those all caught up in the moment, and/or otherwise swaying to the reckless-like rhythm groove the Chief Executive felt the overwhelming need to so steadfastly supply.

In other words, upon further view (by an around the clock field of breathless operatives affiliated with the Rodney Bingenheimer Institute in association with the Eddie Gorodetsky House of Musical Knowledge & International Glib-A-Thonatorium For The Clinically Hip) it was determined that a key portion of President Obama's speech, "they talk about me like a dog," was a direct, uncleared (translation: not one penny, as in, would and should have been, properly accounted for, via standard existing royalty rates for any and all matters related to specific intellectual property), reference of a line in the song, "Stone Free," as written and performed by the late Jimi Hendrix.

"As much as we initially thought that this might just be a fluke thing, you know, like Justin Bieber, the ongoing continued favorable award-winning success of "Glee," or hell, even the entire so far career of Seth Rogen, we knew right off the bat that something was up," said Bingenheimer big wig, Ian Whitcomb. "Especially considering the president's previously announced longtime preference for the smooth move song stylings of Teddy Pendergrass and Jackie Wilson."

That being said (and it was, repeatedly, by Mr. Whitcomb, not quite a week ago, during a rare moment of diverse world music re-programming at the Biggenheimer penthouse facility in West Hollywood, when the preferred in-house muzak (either The Seeds or Love) pumped in for the worker's enjoyment was abruptly halted, in order to give both Asha Bhosle and Lata Mangheskar a back and forth share of the floor for the better part of two hours), a closer examination of numerous already on the books speeches given by President Obama since his splashy debut as Commander and Chief of All Cool, reveal many interesting ingredients that apparently make up what gives (and keeps on giving) more and more insight into what's up with the downbeat with this major He's The Man, man, and his music.

In still other words, get a load of this just found batch of Obi-wan Obama's greatest-like hits!

"The Inaugural Address" (1/20/09) - "Let us not long forget, that at a time when confusion and divisive disagreements essentially remain the misguided order of the day, in the end, 'black and white is always grey.'" - (As taken from: "Something I Learned Today" (1984) by Husker Du.)

"The No-Go On Blago Reply" (4/1/09) in response to a series of press conference questions concerning ongoing developments and allegations surrounding would-be claims that embattled Illinois governor Rod Blagojevich had attempted to conduct a "pay to play" scheme to fill Obama's vacated United States Senate seat. - "Well, consider the source, what with all the 'liars, losers, comin' at me' now, and well, I mean that in the worst possible way, or however it is you can ever hope to spin such bunk, before you know, you get yourself a totally full of you know what kind of boot heel shoe tracking in what's best left back in the barnyard." - (As taken from, "Freak Magnet" (1994) by L7.)

"The Non-Admission Statement" (7/4/09) in response to persistent cheers and jeers of "Who's your daddy?" from an uncouth gaggle of Know-Nothing Birther Obsessiveites during their noisy, full of froth, attempts to interrupt an otherwise respectful 4th of July celebration in Johnstown, Pennsylvania - "That's up to you, I don't know, 'maybe call mom on the telephone?' Whatever. Just as long as you find a way to, please do it elsewhere, and not here, where real American's are already trying so hard to have fun and enjoy themselves." - (As taken from, "No Fun" (1969) by The Stooges.)

"The 'Mirror-Mirror' State of the Union Speech" (1/27/10) - "The truth of the matter, until further notice, or until a better alternative rises up from the heap of our long, day after day nightmare of international despair, is that 'you're just a reflection of the new regime' so, get used to it, and pass it forward, and…all the way along, before something worse gets there before you." - (As taken from, "Obsessed With You" (1979) by X-Ray Spex.)

"The Infamous Sunday Supplement Statement" (4/14/10) before parishioners at The First Timothy Baptist Church in Newark, New Jersey. - "Sad to say, folks, but the days of hoodoo and hexes - over and done. Finis. Caput. From here on, hear these words, there's 'no more free steps to heaven.'" - (As taken from, "It's No Game (Part II)" (1980) by David Bowie.)

"The He Said/She Said Response" (8/24/10) during a somewhat testy press conference hastily set-up at Antoine's Coffee Shop/French Onion Soup Kitchen on Martha's Vineyard, to respond to recent remarks by Sarah Palin which appeared to accuse Michelle Obama of "over doing it" with regards to her seemingly endless series of assorted wardrobe purchases throughout her "spring break" travels across Europe - "What can I say, the woman - and I know you all know which woman I mean - 'she's lost control, she's lost control again,' and I for one, do not care for what she is on about, or what she thinks she's trying to accomplish, in a more or less, roundabout way. And, because of that, I am not going to just stand by and let the woman I married be exposed to any more ongoing speculation, or, in any way, be further disparaged by any continued, reckless, anything but idle, conversation. No matter how its origins might have begun, why its never-ending mean-spiritedness ultimately never ends, and, of course, where the new tattoos on Michelle's magnificent guns might now exist for all to see and admire." - (As taken from, "She's Lost Control" (1979) by Joy Division.)

"The We Shall See What We Shall See" Promise To America Speech" (8/28/10) delivered to a large group of TV industry Democratic Party loyalists during a Pre-Emmy Awards party, hosted by Sofia Vergara ("Modern Family") and Seymour Cassel ("Minnie & Moskowitz") at the Delores del Rio Library in East L.A. (two days before it was closed due to city and statewide budget cuts) on the subject of his pre-existing legacy and the chances of it ever surviving whatever might lie up ahead in the future. - "Sure I'm concerned, who wouldn't be? But, that said, I'm still convinced, and certain in my heart of hearts, that if all else fails, where there's hope, there's even less room for worry. Or, as I learned so well as a child - and now, even more so as an adult, who must, above all, do as entrusted, and lead those among you, still eager to follow - 'history lives on in the books at home.' And, for that we are forever thankful. Especially all those with plenty of shelf space, and maybe one of those portable pod things out back somewhere." - (As taken from, "Not Great Men" (1979) by Gang of Four.)

Meanwhile, the go back look-see expedition to glean whatever musical references might be contained in many more of President Obama's previous speeches continues, at rather brisk and startling clip.

"So far this is just the tip of a major, major thing that, well, for now seems like it's never going to go away," said Whitcomb, the Senior Bingenheimer staffer continuing to spearhead the investigation. "I mean, besides this first batch, there's plenty of others to chose from. Everything from the Pixies, to The Kills, the Grateful Dead, Minutemen, Buzzcocks, Wire, the Jam, New York Dolls, Big Bill Broonzy, the Flying Burrito Brothers, the FLYING FRIGGIN' BURRITO BROTHERS, for God's sakes, I mean, WOW, I'm impressed. Isn't everyone? If not, they should be, especially if what I'm hearing is correct and it turns out that much of President Obama's recent address about ending the war was a direct lift from a somewhat catchy Helen Shapiro tune from the mid-60s. And, even more impressive, is the fact that, from all indications, his entire Democratic Convention nomination acceptance speech was nothing more than a wall-to-wall re-working of something cranked out by Dave Dee, Dozy, Beaky, Mick & Tich way back when, well, who knows when? But, at least now we're trying. And, yeah, getting all the way back to the garden, so to speak. Or, so we'd like to believe."

When asked to give his opinion of the events surrounding the ongoing discovery of President Obama's taste for music, and his apparent never ending desire to quote from the classics when attempting to otherwise tune things up, on, and in the hearts and minds of a more or less attentive public, Guns N' Roses superstar axeman, Slash, had this to contribute, while recently caught standing around impatiently at Canter's Deli in Los Angeles, "F**K you, pinhead! And while you're at it, ya better toss me a few of them bear claws, before they all get bought by Magic George, or any of those other crazies they got working the newsstand today."

And so, the beat goes on.

Like thanks, Sonny. To that end, you were so right.


The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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