For ages, women have sought a way to quantify their partners' fidelity, with little success. Researchers at the Kinsey Institute now state that the definitive answer has been under out noses the whole time.
Literally. They suggest smelling your partner's penis.
"Philandering men have long known to wipe the proverbial lipstick from their collar," said Katherine Mcfeast of the Kinsey Institute for Getting Strange. "But do they wash the evidence from the offending organ? Usually not."
Kinsey is now recommending that women who fear that their partner has just sunk their love-log into some homewrecking pig should ask their partner to whip out the meatwhistle for a sniff.
"A penis should smell like... Well, like a penis. Earthy, with a natural musk," continued McFeast, while throwing up in her mouth a little. "If it smells like a vagina, or, um... another orifice, perhaps a check of the partner's alibi is in order."
"Well, my husband's dick smells like stale urine, ball-sweat and failure. What does that tell me?" asks Martha Schaeafer, whose husband of 23 years, George, has steadfastly denied ever cheating on his hideous shrew of a wife.
"My wife thinks I cheat on her? It's ridiculous," said George, who really is a disgusting pig. "I'm 48, I weigh 285 pounds, and my dick looks like a cocktail wiener. No one's banging me without money exchanging hands."
"My sex life at home doesn't exist, he must be be cheating on me," explained Martha, echoing the delusions of many women whose husbands are not dropping the sausage in them on a regular basis.
"Yeah, that's not it," retorts George. "I just couldn't get hard for her if I drank cement."