NEW CANAAN, Connecticut -- A furious man in a borrowed car ran Glenn Beck's wife Tania over in front of the controversial commentator's $4.2 million colonial mansion Tuesday morning, according to a police report.
While listening to Beck's morning radio program, Joe Sauerbraten had apparently become incensed. He then "packed his mother's SUV with guns and set off for New York City to kill progressives," said authorities.
The unemployed plumber from New Canaan was wearing full body armor when he mowed down Mrs. Beck, who had stepped outside only moments earlier to retrieve her husband's morning copy of the Wall Street Journal.
Upon attempting to swerve left to avoid the right-wing commentator's spouse, Sauerbraten was ejected from the vehicle amidst an assortment of 9mm handguns, AK-47's, various shotguns and a .308-caliber rifle with armor-piercing bullets.
Mrs. Beck and Sauerbraten were drifting in and out of consciousness when paramedics finally arrived.
"I'm in a dark, dark place ... dark dudes are coming my way ... I'm hoping the guy with horns doesn't actually show up, but he could," said Glenn Beck's voice, smoke rising as the sounds of his radio program still droned from Mrs. Sauerbraten's totaled vehicle across the street.
"The clock is ticking," he continued. "The war is just beginning ... you have to be prepared to take rocks to the head ... there is a coup going on ... the other side is attacking! ... grab a torch!
"Drive a stake through the heart of the bloodsuckers ... they are putting a gun to America's head ... they are taking you to a place to be slaughtered ... hold these people responsible ... look out! ... the gates of Hell will open up!"
"Would somebody please turn that thing off?" said a paramedic as he hoisted Mrs. Beck's limp body onto a gurney. "That guy's really getting on my nerves."
"Now hold on, there. That's the guy from Foxx," said a second paramedic, struggling to remove Sauerbraten's head from a storm drain. "I like him. Besides, who put you in charge?"
"Whatever! That guy's a complete bastard, and I'm really not in the mood to listen to his crap right now," said the first, letting go of his gurney. "So, I suggest you turn it off!"
"Make me!" was the reply.
Police arrived a few minutes later to arrest the brawling pair o' medics and retrieve Mrs. Beck and her gurney from a ditch about one-quarter of a mile down the road.
All four are convalescing at the New Canaan Silver Lining Hospital under doctor's orders not to be allowed access to a television or radio under any circumstances until their release.
Special thanks to Glenn Beck for all the great quotes.