Lord Woolf, Britains top judge, has furnished a directive for other judges to follow, in the sentencing of convicted criminals. Styled "Killing with kindness", it promises to set the minds of victims at rest as we saw in Judge Moore's court down at the Old Bailey yesterday. Our court reporter captured the sentencing in full.
"Mr Carter you have been convicted of 8 counts of murder, 1 count of armed robbery, 23 counts of fraud and applying for an overdraft whilst supporting Manchester United."
"Your counsel has advised of the following in mitigation of sentence : Growing up in Mayfair, London, you were only allowed a BMW while many of your friends had sports cars. You were also forced to work, selling Cocaine and Mandrax in schools, in order to be able to afford overseas holidays. This was never easy but turning addicts into prostitutes meant you could just about make ends meet."
"Counsel then went on to explain that your record prior to purchasing a small hotel in Swansea was reasonably clean. There were 4 convictions for theft, 2 on narcotics related infringements and of course the unfortunate baby battering...but no more than that. As Lord Woolf himself would say, a credit to the society we are building."
"The Swansea Hotel however saw a dramatic change in your approach. Forced to turn a loss into a profit you began throwing non-paying guests off the roof as an example to others. It took 8 deaths to convince patrons that this was unacceptable, which I believe says more about the disgusting trend among guests to try and skip paying, then your unfortunate conduct in trying to show them otherwise."
"On one occasion you forced a guest to pay at gunpoint, hence the conviction for armed robbery. Worse as a result of non-paying guests you were forced to use their credit cards to generate cash to keep the hotel going. As they were unaware that you took them while they were sleeping (comatose from the drugs really) you have picked up 23 counts of fraud".
"All of this could have been avoided if these people would have paid in the first place. I am happy therefore to advise you that in terms of the Lord Woolf Directive that your sentence is as follows :
1. The families of the 8 murder victims will be required to make payment of all your reasonable costs in getting rid of the bodies. Payment effective immediately.
2. The armed robbery "victim" will pay all costs incurred in acquiring the gun and travelling.
3. The 23 fraud "victims" will pay all your telephone and other necessary charges, including but not limited to the drugs used to knock them out.
Let Britain know we are tough on crime"
"Before dealing with your last conviction just a word about Lord Woolf. He is the man who has championed Britain's penal reform. He wants a more caring, kinder and understanding Britain in this area of law enforcement. His drive is backed by his belief in what we are doing."
"If you wish to visit him, you will find his home in Surrey. Ask locals for the house with the 18 Rottweilers, 12 full time guards, armed response, fully equiped armoury and surrounded by a moat...with crocodiles...oh and watch out for the oil they pour down on anyone who...but I digress".
"Turning finally to the most heinous of your convictions, namely applying for an overdraft while supporting Manchester United, I must caution you. This kind of behaviour will not be tolerated in the future, particularly as you were living in Manchester at the time. If it happens again you will Roo, ney worse you will regret, ever having been born. We will not tolerate Manchester supporters in this court".
"That is the sentence of this court and I trust that having faced the full might of British Law you will emerge all the better for it. All parties are excused...next case!"