Citing God's Will, Tom DeLay Backs Off Terri Schiavo Case

Written by Chuck Terzella

Sunday, 27 March 2005

image for Citing God's Will, Tom DeLay Backs Off Terri Schiavo Case
God Told Me To Dump The Bitch

Citing the fact that he prayed for hours over the Terri Schiavo case and that God finally told him he would lose the next election if he didn't keep his stupid mouth shut and continue to try to keep her alive, Texas Republican Tom DeLay has become the latest in a series of Conservative Christian Republicans who are backing away from the now infamous Florida Right To Die case.

Following the lead of George W. Bush, his brother Florida Governor Jeb Bush and Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist, Mr. DeLay has suddenly fallen mum about the Schiavo case after God, or Karl Rove as he is known in Texas, pointed out that 82% of Americans are terrified that their last days could be determined by a bunch of Congressional airheads.

Mr. DeLay is known among friends and foes alike as The Hammer, supposedly for his low intelligence (He's dumber than a bag of hammers), or something like that. That the (allegedly) felonious Texan, who is the target of several ethics investigations in Congress, should set himself up as the arbitrator of Gods Will seems especially ironic, given the fact that God apparently has also told him to (allegedly) try and illegally influence a fellow Congressman to change his vote on a bill, (allegedly) attempt to use the FAA to track down and detain Texas Democratic lawmakers who had left the state to avoid voting on an (allegedly) illegal redistricting bill, (allegedly) accepting monies from foreign governments and (allegedly) illegal fund raising activities and influence peddling through his Political Action Committee, Texans for a Republican Majority as well as (allegedly) using the name of God to further his agenda and make some spare cash.

Mr. DeLay is however a devout Christian, as least as far as Christianity is understood in Texas, where you can apparently spend your early years drinking, smoking and carousing with painted women just so long as you find God before you get into politics (to the thousands of true Christians in Texas: I'm sorry about that last sentence, but let's face it, that's how it looks to everyone else and unless you stop voting for these guys that's how it will always be. They make all of you look like liars and hypocrites.).

Mr. DeLay, in a written statement that I just now made up said, "I really thought that Mrs. Schiavo had a chance, but God told me to stop being an idiot and concentrate on my own legal problems. He also told me that if I didn't straighten up and get my act together I was going to take that long vacation in Hell, but I think the connection might have been going bad by then so I'm gonna ignore that last one."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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