Professional Slacker Leaning Toward Retirement

Funny story written by Gil Brockton

Monday, 26 July 2010

image for Professional Slacker Leaning Toward Retirement
John Dunham, as usually seen, relaxing

FORT WAYNE, IN (HGN) - John Dunham is ready to hang it up, and get to work, or at least that's what his parents are hoping. Dunham graduated from Roosevelt High School in 2001 and seems to be losing interest in being a dead-beat lately. He spent time going to interviews, filling out applications, and applying to trade schools assuming something would pan out.

It never did.

"With each passing school year, it gets harder and harder to not see the writing on the wall," said Dunham in a recent, exclusive interview. "You start to hear the whispers, and honestly, it gets harder to just sit around all day," continued Dunham.

Since graduating nearly a decade ago, Dunham has been unable to find work, but has enjoyed every minute of it until recently. "It just gets to a point where it's like, 'John! Hello! Life is literally passing you by," explained David Dunham, John's father and a local florist. Betty Dunham added, "We gave him so much rope and offered any kind of help. He's got his life to truly get started, and frankly, we're ready for this. We want to see the world, possibly rent out his bedroom, and it makes it more difficult for Dave to retire from his job. The difference is Dave provides something to society--John doesn't."

Dunham's decision has turned almost completely against itself from statements he was making in late Spring. According to a person speaking on condition of anonymity, John Dunham said at numerous parties this spring that he was going to spend at least one more year away from school and work. It is believed he had an exit plan for this lifestyle, but unknown reasons seem to have excelled his plan.

"At the end of the day, I just want what's best for John. Frankly, I'm starting to get bored. I've done it all; I've beat every video game out there, watched every (pornographic) film, and 'lived it up' so to speak. I know my parents need this and maybe this should be my final gift to them," explained Dunham.

Dunham's friend and classmate, Jordan Viejo, had this to add, "Oh yeah, he's definitely done. He's checked out and we've all finally moved on with our lives. Once Kevin (Tilgy) said the band was done, we knew this was next." According to his MySpace page, John was in a band (Sew Me) with Tilgy. Sew Me had limited success and released one album ("Infinite Abyss and the Unknown Sea")

Dunham has begun plans for a news conference "around 3" on Thursday and it's expected that will be his retirement officially. After retirement, it is widely assumed he will "flip burgers or something."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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