"H&R Block Says 'Peace of Mind' Defends Against Tax Errors, Keeps Hands Soft, Will Cook an Entire Turkey In One Hour, Will Guard Against Rust and Will Make Your Laundry April Fresh."
U.S. District Judge Michael Reagan, the Judge who is deciding whether to certify a 13-year-old lawsuit against bloated, past-its-prime company H&R Block over their sale of "Peace of Mind" insurance, is considering the claims made by Block to consumers who were tricked . . ., er, convinced, to buy the product.
"The initial claim is that, for $30.00, 'Peace of Mind' will compel H&R Block to pay for any mistakes they make on a consumer's wickedly overpriced tax return," said the Judge. "The problem is some of the other claims that were made."
According to plaintiffs' filings, Block claims that Peace of Mind also helps control dandruff with regular use, leaves dishes virtually spotless, fights bad breath, is twice as much of the pain reliever doctors recommend most, gives coffee more body, more flavor, is 700% quieter, has a unique filter system, greatly increases the diameter of every lash, is the end of meatloaf boredom, makes sensible eating delicious, is the best handling car in the U.S., helps build strong bodies 12 ways, contains a sparkling drop of Retsyn, is the kind of car America wants, and is recommended by 4 out of 5 dentist, for patients who chew gum.
"Some of these claims might be true," commented the Judge, while suppressing a laugh. "But I can say that I do not believe that Peace of Mind is 'magically delicious'."
The Judge feels that with a fair trial, Enron . . . er, H&R Block will be able to back up its claim with factual information. "And if not," the Judge said, "I'll throw the scamming f-ckers in jail.
H&R Block stock plummeted to $0.14, with 1Q earnings of a dollar fifty-three ($1.53) on sales of $63 trillion.
