Shock news indeed for patriotic Englishmen today, April 23rd - St George's Day - St George was a Turk, the son of a Roman soldier, and it has further been established that he never attended a football match with a George cross draped around his his shoulders, gulping down lager and singing 'Here we go! Here we go! Here we go!'
Immortalised for slaying a dragon and saving a maiden at Silene, inspiring the Crusaders and being the inspirational force behind English jingoism, St George was actually just some Turkish bloke with a taste for two things.
Sexy chicks in distress and kebabs.
Archaeologist Digby Diggsdeep has uncovered evidence supporting a theory that St George lived a long life, and in between pleasuring the lie-dees, he operated a trinket stall on Izmir market, saved up his pennies and established a chain of kebab shops from his offices in Istanbul.
BNP leader Nick Griffin was quick to rubbish the claims, countering that everybody knows that St George was a direct descendant of Sir Lancelot, that he was born in Coventry, and that he was the original founder of Sheffield United Football Club - The Blades.
Digby Diggsdeep countered the counter by saying:
"St George was no doubt a Turk. That's a fact. But he is a worthy patron saint for the English. After all, what could be more English (or Turkish for that matter) than a skinfull of beer, a packet of cigarettes, a bloody good fight and a kebab to round it all off? The truth is, that we're all a bit more Turkish than we'd care to admit."
"Is true," kebab shop proprietor Ali Bullo concurred. "We all same innit? Think about that next time you in shop shoutin' for doner an' freatenin' staff. We all same. Except kebab cutter got bleedin' big knife innit so he win in fight every time. Like St George."
Look out for the sparks. They will fly.
