New York Times signs Ward Churchill

Funny story written by John Cavanagh

Thursday, 24 March 2005

NEW YORK (AP) - Controversial academic Ward Churchill has been signed by the famous media company, The New York Times.

Catherine Mathis, spokesperson for the New York Times said: "We're thrilled to welcome Professor Ward Churchill to our team at West 43rd Street. Ward Churchill is a man whose distinct and fearless writing style will go a long way towards repositioning the New York Times back at the leading edge of journalism - a place where we've always belonged."

For his part, Churchill said he's genuinely looking forward to starting up at the newspaper. "Frankly, I've been bewildered by the New York Times for quite a while now. The place seems to crawl with closet Marxists and Che Guevara wannnabes. They move up and down these supposedly hallowed corridors, in a constant flurry of revolutionary-inspired activity. Unfortunately, they don't seem to do anything about it. Well, I'm here now and ready to take some real action. Let's get it straight, a revolution demands more than just writing columns and hiding under your desk. It's been all words and no action around here for way too long. My role is to inject a bit more urgency into the print business. Let me assure you, The Times will really benefit from my presence. We need some drastic changes, and I'm not talking about getting some Adolf Eichmann as sub-editor.

Elizabeth Hoffman, President of the University of Colorado said: "When staff the calibre of Professor Ward Churchill are poached from us by large media corporations like the New York Times, it's just something we can't be expected to get over in a hurry. I guess its testament to the quality of our university that these corporate heavyweights so frequently target us."

Janet Robinson, President and CEO of The New York Times Co. said: "Ward Churchill can be viewed as a strategic acquisition for our media company. We really do have a swathe of concerned shareholders at the moment. Our group's market value has been dropping like a stone. Therefore, this is surely the right time for me to allay their fears. We, at the New York Times, are acutely aware of the enormous amounts of money to be made from presenting news stories from a Marxist perspective - fashionably hidden, of course. In fact, we have successfully implemented this style within our corporate business model over a long period. Importantly, we are counting on Professor Ward Churchill to inject some renewed vigour into this strategy. Regrettably, I have to concede that a few of our columnists have been drifting to the political right of late. I have spoken to Ward Churchill about this problem and we will be refocusing on our original corporate approach. Ward was of the view that we could even take it one step further. He said: 'Janet, sure there's money to be made in spouting Marxism; but imagine the money to be made from having a real revolution.'"

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

Comedy spoof news topics
Go to top
readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more