Qwest ups offer for MCI to $100B, then immediately files for bankruptcy protection

Funny story written by Chief Cheese

Monday, 21 March 2005

image for Qwest ups offer for MCI to $100B, then immediately files for bankruptcy protection

DENVER - Qwest bumped up its offer for the outright purchase of MCI to $100 Billion dollars. The offer, which exceeds the one recently made by Verizon by a factor of 15 times, was creating a stir around the MCI offices in New York just about cocktail time on Friday. It created pressure on the Verizon board to increase their offer as well.

"I called one of my old fraternity buddies at Verizon and said ‘try to beat that, clown puncher!'" said the CFO of Qwest, Heywood Jablowmi. "Those Verizon guys don't know what hit them."

This business reporter was curious as to how Qwest would be able to pay that much for MCI, and indeed, why.

"My poor, inexperienced-in-the-ways-of-the-business-world friend," said Jablowmi, "it is really quite simple. Everyone involved in OK'ing this deal simply gets a piece of the action. Dig? Investment banks get a big commish. The brokerage houses get big commissions on all the transactions that will occur starting Monday morning. The MCI board-each and every person on it-has shares in MCI which are now through the roof. They'll vote the deal in."

I asked about the impending bankruptcy. "That is only a minor challenge. There isn't any way that MCI is worth $100B and no way Qwest can actually pay that in cash.
It's a stock deal-and the price of Qwest stock needs to go up-way up-starting Monday morning. Remember that I've got golfing buddies on Wall Street that will push this thing first thing in the morning. And anyway, all the cash-outs will happen first. The carrion of the company once known as Qwest will be dealt with by the feds when the truth becomes obvious to everyone else. Only then it'll be too late for the rest of them."

"Them?" I asked. Jablowmi chuckled. "Them's the investors. Schmucks. Let them deal with it. I figure the worst that can happen is for me to take the 5th and maybe work a plea deal…with a few years in minimum security. Look what it did for Martha."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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