71 Sickened by Eating Subway Food: Lowest Number in Years.

Funny story written by anthonyrosania

Sunday, 13 June 2010

image for 71 Sickened by Eating Subway Food: Lowest Number in Years.
CAUTION: May cause explosive diarrhea, abdominal cramps, fever, nausea, and/or vomiting.

71 risk-takers were sickened from eating tainted Subway hoagies in 22 counties in Illinois. This number is said to be the lowest single-day total for people sickened after eating food from Subway.

No specific food was found to be responsible but Subway voluntarily withdrew all lettuce, green peppers, red onions and tomatoes from the restaurants in question and replaced them with new and hopefully bacteria-free produce. Subway refused to withdrew that disgusting potato salad that looks like it's been sitting in the refrigerated case for 3 ½ months.

Salmonella poisoning, the obvious reason Jared lost all his weight, is rarely fatal, but does have icky symptoms like diarrhea, abdominal cramps, fever, nausea, and/or vomiting. In mild cases diarrhea may be non-bloody, occur 5-10 times per day, and not be very voluminous. Says the CDC: "In severe cases diarrhea, may be frequent, bloody and/or mucousy, and of high volume. (Jesus, that is gross.)

Fever generally occurs in the 100°F to 102°F (38°C to 39°C) range. Vomiting is less common than diarrhea. Headaches, muscle pain, joint pain, and an overwhelming desire to end your life are often reported as well.

The highest single-day record, 21,204, was set the day Subway started their "5 Dollar Footlong" promotion. Fortunately for them, none of the got salmonella. Most sicknesses were attributed to Subway specific diseases like "I have to bake more bread, can you wait 10 to 15 minutes" Syndrome, There's No Meat In This God D-mned Sandwich-it is, and the dreaded This Parmesan Bread Tastes Like Ass and hot garbage-osis.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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