Ted Kennedy's son, Patrick, known as "Patches" around New England thanks to Boston Critic & Columnist Howie Carr, was pulled out of yet another Rhode Island Bar last night after he lost a battle trying to suck the worm out of a quart bottle of Tequila.
The watering hole, well know for late night Waitress Wrestling events conducted by father Ted, and his drinking buddy, Connecticut Senator Chris "Can You Spare a Mortgage' Dodd, was forced to call paramedics after Patches got his tongue caught in the bottle and fell to the floor writhing in pain.
When paramedics arrived the first thing Kennedy blurted out from his prone position was, "Help...I've fallen, and I can't seem to get up...or stand for that matter....HA!"
Kennedy, seeing the handwriting on the wall has pulled out of his congressional race in the bankrupt state where the Kennedys had sent him off to keep his damage to a minimum. Despite their plan, Patches has been in trouble since college and through his 15 years as a Democratic Congressman.
The litany of problems most often involves alcohol, women, and motorized vehicles, but since no one testifies, it appears most of his 'accidents' were not self inflicted.
Included in the toll was a 2006 2:45 am car accident where he ran into a DC barricade when he explained he was 'late for a vote.'
There was the abandoned rental boat found floating off Martha's Vineyard with $28,000 worth of damage, the slapping of a security guard at an airport, a coast guard mayday call to his yacht to mediate a fight with a date, and just last week 'last call' at another bar was imposed after six (6) quick shooters of Vodka and an impassioned stump speech involving sobriety and defective floor mats leading to inadvertent car mishaps.
After Kennedy's tongue was removed from the bottle in a delicate procedure involving a snake anti-venom to reduce swelling, Kennedy claimed he was just showing support for Mexico's President Felipe Calderon who had the red carpet rolled out for him in order to slam the US's immigration policies, and most especially his displeasure against Arizona.
A spokesman for the White House has not ruled out the possibility that Patrick will be named Ambassador to Mexico, in keeping with the tradition of the family , started by his grandfather, of serving his country and maintaing the Kennedy tradition stated by Patrick in 2003: "I have never worked a F*****g day in my life!!" Vio Con Dios.
