Patronization Conference Attended By More Than Would Interest You

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Monday, 17 May 2010


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Princeton, NJ: Elite Ivy League Educators, students, and a cross section of the nation's most powerful business and social leaders are meeting this week for the first annual "Patronization Expo," held just off the campus of scenic Princeton University.

The Expo, billed by organizers as, "A free flowing exchange of complex ideas that do not concern you," began amid controversy as a delegation of sociologists representing the University of California at Berkley had its credentials rejected on grounds they were merely "pretentious," and not actually "patronizing."

In an exclusive interview, the chief organizer for the event expressed his thanks for the media's interest in his event, "That is so special you are reporting on what we do here this week. Thank you so much for your time.

I imagine your readers will really enjoy reading about our little soiree here, especially after tiring themselves our surfing all that pornography on the Internet. Did you know 'soiree' is a French word? That's a language they use in a place called Europe. It's very far away. Here, give me your note pad and let me help you spell it... This is called 'cursive writing.'"

Expo attendees were, for the most part, "far too busy" with "very important issues you cannot understand," to comment on the Expo's agenda, however, were more than happy to give this reporter directions to the kitchen, coat room, and "closet where they keep the vacuums." One attendee invited this reporter to enjoy the Expo's hors d'oeuvres selection and sample "food that is not handed to you through a car window."

The few scant details of the Expo's events included a round table discussion titled, "Everybody is Ignorant but Us," several lectures on the finer points of using hand gestures and fingers to form quotation marks during causal conversation, and a multimedia presentation exploring the current anti-bank, big business and government trend sweeping the nation titled, "Aren't They Cute?"

Despite a large turnout, the Expo is not without its critics. A prominent professor emeritus from a renowned Ivy League university and current consultant to several major Wall Street financial firms warned the need for such an expo was indicative a decline in American higher education. "Patronization is in the blood, not the mind," explained the professor. "If you have to think about it, then you need to realize that you're probably not in the right place and go back to watching pro wrestling or something.

"I learned my patronization from my gran' papa, just like it is intended. I can still remember sitting on his yacht at the age of three and his telling me, 'Trevor, facts are facts, figures are figures, all for the rich man, none for the... needy.

"Do you know what a grandfather is? He's a male who is related to you who tells you things. Just like your father just older... Do you know your father? He's the nice man who gave your mommy money for a six pack and a little baby in the back seat of a Vega many years ago. And, that little baby was you!"

The Expo organizer took polite exception at the objections of the scope and content of the event, "You know, perhaps we would both be happier if you would leave the Expo planning to me, and I'll leave the doubling up on my next bet at the local cock fight to you. Sound like a deal? Thanks."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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