Here is the agenda for today's annual Police Federation Conference lectures:
9:00 Handling discrimination against left-handed nosepickers; special guest speaker, Cherie Blair QC
10:00 Lecture on Freemasonry and Its Positive Use Against Criminals, with Thomas Hamilton
11:00 The Sit Around In Cars All Day and Lose Ability To Walk diet, talk held at nearby McDonalds
12:00 How To Not Answer Phones, by any policeman in any small town police station
13:00 How To Not Investigate Real Crimes, by any policeman in any big city police station
14:00 Football Crowd Management, with Mort Hillsboro
15:00 Milking the Taxpayers to Get Faster Cars, speech by Ford Expensive
16:00 Nice Long Tea Break At Overtime Rates, with Sergeant T Break
18:00 Filling In Forms For The Rest Of The Week, by thirty per cent of the Force, that would otherwise be unemployed.
