Deep in the middle of the Californian desert stands a non-descript off-grey coloured building, bearing no markings except for a sign reading 'Beware of the Pigs'. Little was known of the true purpose of this building. Locals had suspected for some time that the building held some kind of dark secret. Many believed it was something to do with aliens. Close, but no cigar!
It is, in fact, the 'Susan Boyle Fanatic Re-education Center'. Inside this building Susan Boyle fans are turned into fanatics. Over a period of 7 gruelling days, ordinary, intelligent, sane, sensible people are turned into brainwashed loonies incapable of any independent thought.
Scurrying into the building is non other than the head of the center, Lord Kraptakular The Greatest. "We made a universe-wide announcement last week banning any mention of any spoof. Please go away, or I will ban you," he snarled. Reminding him that I'm not actually a member of his enterprise, he told this reporter "Well I'll ban you from the Earth then. I have the power!"
A few moments later two other staff members entered the building while chanting 'God is great! La la la! Lollipops and kittens! La la la!" This reporter understands these are the universally feared 'Clappies'. It is thought this pair can turn anyone into a quivering, God-fearing wreck within an hour.
Classes at the center are thought to include 'Red scarf wearing techniques', 'Shouting at airports', 'Birth certificate interpretation', 'How to bag a rich husband to pay for all your trips to see SuBo sing', 'banning techniques', 'blessing for beginners', 'how to evade security personnel', 'SuBo management team bullying techniques', and 'advanced lying'.
A new crop of graduates could be seen leaving the building some time later. "Oh, I love you more!" a newly qualified fanatic could be heard saying. "No, we love Susan and we know she loves us, and only us, too!" said another. "Oh, we must go to Blackburn and bless everyone in sight!" enthused another. "I will start writing an email to her manager so we can crash her next birthday party!" beamed another. An argument soon broke out amongst the new fanatics. "My red scarf is much brighter than yours, so I'm a bigger fan!" said one. "Well I've donated more money than you, so Susan must love me more!" replied another. This reporter soon retreated when the argument turned ugly!
The course is free, but a 'donation' of $25,000 is strongly suggested. Those unable to pay will be sent to hell, or given a purple scarf.