The Sexually Transmitted Disease Control Administration (STDCA) today announced a new and more stringent set of standards for prophylactics designed for homosexuals.
Assistant to the Deputy Director of Human Penetration, Dr. Dooky Mouser, addressed an assembly of press and leaders of the gay community...
"Up until now, we have treated all sex as being equal. But following a recent study of instances of prophylactic disintegration while in the process of deep impact, it was determined that the homosexual community was in need of a higher, separate standard."
Dr. Mouser went on to describe the differences between heterosexual and homosexual mechanics and the inner environments the probing penis is faced with, "With male-female sex, the penis is most often on a red carpet ride where it is gently welcomed and lusciously lubricated and massaged in loving, feminine appreciation."
"But in homosexual encounters, it is more like a dark passage into a decrepit saw mill or medieval dungeon, where the visiting phallic member is regularly stalked by numerous deadly bacteria across a biologic topography akin to a WW1 battlefield."
It is now the belief of the STDCA that the gay community deserves, and should have at their disposal, a properly built prophylactic, capable of not only surviving a sexual encounter intact, but also of defending the penis against just a whole range of crap.
For that purpose, a representative of the Spartan Rubber Company of Dayton, Ohio, Cedric Green, was in attendance and addressed the assembled. "Spartan Rubber would like to proudly announce the unveiling of a new generation of prophylactic, specifically designed to meet the needs of our gay community. We call it the 'Bigfoot' and it will entirely revolutionize the act of safe, secure homosexual intercourse."
Mr. Green offered a 30-minute slide presentation that outlined the product as being as tough as a steel-belted radial automobile tire, but still capable of being intimate enough to offer pleasure to both those driving it and those being driven-through. "If you have never experienced the pure joy of having your butt-eye, colon and large bowel violated by something like this, you may not be as queer as you think you are."
The Bigfoot prophylactic is fully reusable upon proper washing, and has a 20,000-penetration warranty that includes a full list of various anal hazards.
Spartan Rubber Company plans to begin marketing this new generation of STD protection around the first week of summer, 2010.
