White Guy Doesn't Say "N" word, Apologizes Anyway

Written by Karen Leone

Thursday, 1 April 2010

New York- A visibly shaken Caucasian male took to Facebook, Twitter and YouTube today so that he could profusely apologize for not saying the "N" word.

"I'm disgusted with myself," reported Timothy Johnson, a convenience store clerk putting himself through college.

When asked why he was apologizing for something he didn't do, Johnson admitted to thinking about, but not actually saying, the ultimate racial epithet.

"Thinking it is just as bad as saying it," he explained. "This totally innocent and nice-looking African American guy was crossing the street against the light; well, kind of strolling really, and I was racing from the school library to work. I was running late and feeling a little frazzled. The guy wasn't doing anything so wrong. At one point he just stopped in the middle of the street to tighten the belt around his knees. And that was all it took- I just snapped. Totally my bad."

Johnson's YouTube mea culpa, however, didn't go over as well as he'd hoped. The Rev. Al Sharpton called for an immediate boycott of 7-Eleven, Johnson's employer, and suggested that current traffic laws are racially biased.

"Haven't you noticed that the pedestrian crossing light is in the form of a white guy? How can you expect the black man to respond that kind of bigotry?"

When it was pointed out to Rev. Sharpton that the pedestrian stop signal is in the form of a red hand, he responded, "A red hand in the black community means go. Red means 'go'. White means 'flip frustrated whitey the bird'."

As for Mr. Johnson, he continues to take full responsibility for his appalling lack of judgment and hopes to find a rehab facility which caters to the pathologically penitent.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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