Tomb of the Unknown Redneck Opened

Funny story written by Daniel Bristol

Monday, 15 February 2010

image for Tomb of the Unknown Redneck Opened
Tomb of the Unknown Cracker in Donkeyspank, Alabama

Donkeyspank, AL - State officials in Alabama and over 10,000 inebriated citizens gathered in Donkeyspank, Alabama today for the ribbon-cutting of Alabama's newest monument: The Tomb of the Unknown Cracker.

The monument commemorates an anonymous redneck who gave his life for absolutely no reason whatsoever. Apparently, the Unknown Cracker died in a 'still explosion while brewing up a batch of corn whiskey.

"We felt very strongly that the Unknown Cracker represents the very best inebriate, backwoods behavior of crackers everywhere," said Roy Tinkle, chairman of the Unknown Cracker Memorial Committee. "We wanted to construct a monument that would allow all rednecks, crackers, and hillbillies to take pride in their heritage, get blind stinkin' drunk at NASCAR events and have relations with they cousins."

Although it is not known whether or not the Unknown Cracker ever attended a NASCAR event or had relations with his cousins, officials say that the spirit of this cracker's dedication to the cracker way of life serves as an inspiration to all crackers, rednecks, hillbillies, and hayseeds everywhere.

The Tomb itself is constructed of marble, but appearances can be deceptive. The foyer is papered with old newspapers and adorned with collector's edition photos of cracker heroes such as Dale Earnhardt, David Duke, and that guy who used to say "Hey, Vern!" Visitors then walk through the Corridor of Crackerness, which features a replica of the still that claimed the life of the Unknown Cracker, an outhouse, and a life-size statue of some redneck racecar driver who hasn't been freaking killed yet. Then visitors come to the Sanctuary itself, featuring the marble sarcophagus of the Unknown Cracker himself, carved in the likeness of your average, garden-variety redneck, complete with an ill-fitting, grease-stained wifebeater, jeans that come down below the crack of his ass, and an old NASCAR hat. The left cheek of the sarcophagus image is puffed out, as if the figure represented had himself a big ol' chaw o' terbacky.

Near the Tomb is the Tomb of the Unknown Cracker Gift Shop, which sells postcards featuring trailers with major appliances in the front yard, Elvis impersonator dolls, and bumper stickers sporting the slogan, "Ah done had mah sister today!"

The Tomb of the Unknown Cracker is open to the public from 3 to 4 PM, symbolic of the average amount of time the Unknown Cracker is assumed to have been sober each day.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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