LONG BEACH, California - Jesse James has just replaced Tiger Woods, Senator John Edwards, and Governor Mark Sanford as the most hated womanizer in the entire United States.
James who is a trashy tattoo-polluted carnival-looking individual is one amazing as*s wipe who did not know how great (great) he had it.
He is a very astute businessman, who owns three very successful companies; West Coast Choppers, East Coast Floppers, and Third Coast Whoppers.
James was, or rather is, married to Sandra Bullock a very popular and successful actress who just won the Academy Award for Best Actress.
James and Bullock own four multi-million dollar mansions in California, Texas, Cuba, and Iceland.
Many of Bullock's family and close friends are now saying that they never liked Jesse James in the first place. One of Sandra's aunts said that when she met JJ and saw that his arms were totally covered with tattoos she thought of one word and one word alone...scummy-looking piece of longhorn shit.
[EDITOR'S NOTE: Sandra's Aunt Ginger Spongelight, 84½, was never too good at arithmetic.]
One of Bullock's cousins, Tippy Crabheimer, 30, confessed that when she talked to Jesse she could hardly understand him due to the fact that he sounded like he had dropped out of the second grade. His words were horribly slurred, his adjectives were two-lettered words, and he had no idea about the "I" before "E" except after "R" rule.
A close friend of Jesse (one of only three he has left) said that Jesse is so depressed by everything that he has decided to change his name from the outlaw-sounding Jesse James to a lesser outlaw-sounding Cole Younger or Emmett Dalton.
And so now, the ball, and Jesse's balls are in Sandy's court. She holds the key to what is going to happen next. Yes, it is true, that Jesse has apologized and asked for forgiveness. But, let's be honest, did anyone actually expect him to say, "Hey, yo Sandy baby, let me give you the names of three more bitches that I poked."
...and the prosecution rests your honor.