Deathstar Implodes over Washington; One Alien Survives

Written by Cuff

Tuesday, 23 March 2010


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We come for pizza!

Tense moments arrived in Washington today when an alien weapon of mass destruction in the shape of a pilot's license threatened to circumvent the recently rescheduled apocalypse.

Reminiscent of the thousands of sci-fi invasion flicks the menacing creatures hovered over the Capitol building while patiently awaiting an audience delayed by President Obama's endless debate on Health Care reform even though it had already been passed and signed.

Six hours into the monologue the Deathstar imploded leaving a sole Alien survivor who zapped the teleprompter with some fancy ray gun thingy thus silencing God's representative on earth.

"We came in peace you titanic twat." Rufus, who holds an uncanny resemblance to Bruce Campbell, of the planet Doublewide 2 fumed with a distinct German Accent. "You will listen to our demands or your planet will be crushed like a cheap empty natty lite."

Obama was at a loss for words as his staff tried desperately to fix his visual/vocal cortex and conceded to allowing negotiations via the requested spokesperson; Kirstie Alley.

Rufus explained that his world had received a transmission titled 'Star Trek: Wrath of Kahn' and the one time hottie had been elevated to goddess status throughout the Galaxy. However, when Ms. Alley arrived from her current spokesperson gig, in nothing but a Hellmann's Mayonnaise Label, fear spread like Costco tuna salad on month old pumpernickel.

Acting quickly Jolene Blalock, a certain Vulcan sperm bank, was summoned and disaster avoided.

"We are in the process of negotiations but there are a few sticking points. Apparently the Aliens are in need of fuel for their interstellar voyages. They have offered to give us 12 trillion dollars in gold, the cure for cancer, a method to increase our intellectual capacity to fifty percent of brain mass, solve the erection dysfunction situation once and for all and kill every Republican in the country. In return they request all the excess greenhouse gases currently in our atmosphere."

When pressed about the sticking points. "They want to force us to say God really does exist and insist that Barney Frank and Nancy Pelosi be sent as Earth ambassadors and publicly executed live on the Galactic Pay Per View Network." When pressed for clarification. "It's a deal breaker. Nancy and Frank are the face and ass of our party, although we are not sure which is which."

Congress remains in session in order to secure the 500 billion needed to study the issue.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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