Professor Shoots Colleagues - Gains New Freedoms For Academics

Funny story written by rfreed

Tuesday, 2 March 2010

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You never know what dark thoughts might lie within....

Ivory tower intellectualists everywhere have taken note of the new level of entitlement achieved by a university professor. Used to having great perks attached to their jobs, she has definitely raised the bar of academic entitlement beyond anyone's expectations.

Denied tenure, which is the life long guarantee of a job at a teaching facility, a wonderful benefit unattainable for we mere mortals, the professor went off the deep end (a place she apparently visits quite often) and shot six of her colleagues at a faculty meeting in anger over the refusal, killing three of them. As she was being taken away the professor using her clear, lucid thinking machine, stated that they weren't really dead.

So it now seems that even in the academic world it is allowable to shoot your fellow humans if you disagree with them (if you consider academicians to be human that is- one does have to wonder sometimes). But, with the professor, the liberties do not stop there. When she was 18 she killed her own brother with a shot gun, then with gun in hand went to a car rental, pointed it at a rental agent and insisted upon having a car to use. Police approached her, asking that she put the gun down which she did after one of the officers snuck up behind her. Her parents apparently talked their way out of the trouble and Amy was never convicted or investigated. Another bonus for the intellectual world- freedom from prosecution even in matters of death and threatening behavior.

More recently an incident at an IHOP restaurant (a favorite haunt of great minds everywhere) revealed another freedom entitled to those of greater mental and social status- the grabbing of child booster seats. The professor punched out another mom trying to take the last booster seat for her child, letting the reeling mother adamantly know her social superiority by screeching "I am she!". This new perk for the bookish world, the right to claim precedence over the use of social conveniences, came at a price though- the professor had to be on parole.

She and her husband were also investigated on a threat that a booby trap containing a dangerous herpes virus was set up in the science building where she worked. They were interrogated and let go- another blow for the freedom of academics- the right to terrorize without repercussions. The interesting thing about this is that the professor had written an unpublished book about the intentional spread of a herpes virus. In the book the heroine is a female professor with a large family desperately wanting tenure, someone strangely very much like the professor herself.

Thanks to the courageous actions of this professor the intellectual world now has new freedoms at their disposal putting them on the same status as movie stars, the Ramsey's of Boulder, the very rich, sports stars and music producers in their freedom from the laws that govern we lesser citizens such as murder. We inferior beings must remember that those of our communities who have heads stuffed with the colored baubles of intellectual thought and make a living from it are deserving of the rights to murder, terrorize and intimidate at their discretion. After all, they are the ones who know everything better than we do, right?

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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