Hollywood actress Sharon Stone, once famous for being tall and blonde and tall and blonde and firing blanks from fake guns in movies, but now the world's leading climatologist and expert on seismic tremors and tectonic plates, today made a long-awaited announcement about the terrible earthquake that happened last month in Haiti.
Speaking from the Oswald University of Harvey in Dallas, Texas, she said: 'Like, listen up, people, how many more times have I gotta tell you all? Earthquakes are caused by wrongdoing, it ain't seismological science!'
'You get a set of, like, you know, people that ain't American - the Chinese, Icelandics, anywhere that ain't American and doesn't worship a flag and doesn't believe everything that Dick Cheney tells 'em, in other words 98% of the human race, and then, hell, sooner or later they're gonna be hit by quakes. And it's their own fault!'
One reporter asked Miss Stone exactly how the massive earthquake could be blamed on the people of Haiti. 'Sheeit!', the actress replied, 'have I gotta explain everything to you? Look, man, them Haitians were practising voodoo and shit like that, now that just ain't what us WASP Americans do, is it?'
'Messin' around with dolls and doin' witchcraft ain't too Christian, is it? What they should've done was armed their children to the teeth with guns, opened concentration camps in the Caribbean, illegally invaded other countries for oil and also armed genocidal murderers in Israel. Then the quake wouldn't have happened, it's that simple.'
Bit many scientists disagreed with Stone's hypothesis, one calling it 'a typical piece of uneducated, ill-informed nonsense from a blonde bimbo with about as much knowledge of the world as an American President', and another said 'Sharon as always is talking childish crap that a 4-year old child in Europe would laugh at. In other words, she's a typical American adult.'
Miss Stone had controversially blamed China's recent earthquake on a Chinese political party and Iceland's one on Icelandic banks, and so her latest theory that Haiti's one happened because 'there's no McDonald's on that island, and no oil or opium fields there and 'cause they stick pins into voodoo dolls' is bound to cause more Americans to scratch their heads and say 'Well, if Sharon Stone says it's true on TV, it sure must be. I mean, US TV says Iran is evil when it's one of the most ancient and cultured nations in the world.'
US TV also said that Vietnam was evil when it was a totally harmless country that threatened nobody except for American high school dropouts. US TV said Saddam Hussein was evil, when it was the USA that created and armed him in the first place! US TV says US troops are in Haiti to 'help' the suffering people there, when they are simply occupying it.
And not a word on American TV news about the USA funding the world's most evil nation of Israel. All US TV does is puff up the inadequate egos of 250 million people that can't fight wars and have no culture or reason to exist except to be used in British and European colonies as cannon fodder.
If Yanks are so tough and mighty then come over here and take on some real tough nations, like Spain or France or the UK - you wouldn't last a second. And Americans can't even defeat nobody nations like Vietnam and Korea. Sick of the world making fun of the US of A? Then stop sending your soldiers and jets to mass-murder hundreds of thousands of innocent civilians in Vietnam, Iraq and Afghanistan. Axis of Evil?
The only Axis of Evil in this world now is the one of Israel and the United States of America, the entire world is now against you including the British, and American morons have been suckered into more colonial wars but believe their TV news that it's for 'peace' and 'democracy'. What a load of childish bullshit - it's to colonise parts of the world left over by the Spanish, the French and the British.
'Look, buster', Miss Stone said, 'it ain't my fault that Americans are brainwashed by TV and their useless schools into believing all my shit, is it? And you wonder why they elected George W. Bush as their head of state? Bush! An alcoholic drug addict that can barely speak English or even read an autocue correctly!'
'No wonder Americans believe all they're told on TV, so millions of them will agree with a Hollywood actress with about as much knowledge of the planet as a piece of old lettuce floating in a river when I tell 'em that earthquakes are a moral judgement on big, bad Commies and countries that practice voodoo, and all the other childish hogwash I keep goin' on about. You know, I reckon I'm gonna stand for President next time!'
And sadly Sharon Stone would probably win such an election in the only country in the Western world that still believes 9/11 wasn't allowed to happen by the US government, despite all the blatant and well-proven lies and cover-ups by that government about it.
And outside of America people were saying that it was an inside job within hours of it happening, it couldn't be anything else. Why do Americans even have schools when they are obviously only taught one thing there - that the USA is the world's greatest and most powerful nation and that the rest of the world all envies it.
Take a trip to England and find out if that's true, the British and every other people in the world just laugh at Americans, why would we want to have the Western world's highest murder rates, the Western world's poorest health care 'system', the Western world's highest heart attack and obesity rates? The Western world's worst education system, the Western world's worst racist problems, the Western world's worst military record and the Western world's worst politicians.
Thanks for giving us all something to write about in our tea breaks, though. Keeps the people that really run the world amused. Or as Americans would say - dream on, suckers!