'Self-Publicists Make Your Ears Hurt' reaches Number One

Funny story written by matwil

Tuesday, 16 February 2010

image for 'Self-Publicists Make Your Ears Hurt' reaches Number One

'Self-Publicists Make Your Ears Hurt', the song recorded to help feeble B-list faded pop stars to publicise themselves to help the tragedy that is their careers, today went straight to Number One after its organiser Simon Lithpfool went round to his local MHV store and bought up 435,000 copies of it.

Proceeds from sales of the record will be split between the Disastrous Comeback Committee and The Sun newspaper's Helping Sell Our Rag campaign. The song moves ahead of The Limp Factor Badtaste's version of 'Feeble' as the charity song getting the most hype since Pondlife released 'Dreadful Girl' in 2000, in revenge for the success of Boyyawn's 'Let's Use Charity To Prance About And Get Publicity For Ourselves (Yet Again)' in 1843.

The MERDE cover features a host of bland nobodies desperate to get back into the news, such as Anorexia Monologue, Leona Iswho, Barfie Bilious and Those Prats, and chart company BBCHype's mismanager Martin Bormannolt said: 'The public have clearly taken the plight of these talentless hasbeens to heart, this record is bilge but luckily the government gave Simon a few quid to buy all the copies to get it into the charts, to make out that the British are doing something about the tragedy of their careers.'

The first charity record was of course organised by a pop star with a weird voice and hair that looked like an explosion in a wig shop - George Harrison, of course, with his 'Concert for Bangladesh', but unfortunately the worldwide publicity for such a sincere event has had disastrous consequences for the music world ever since.

Now the charts are almost wall to wall garbage 'for charity', which really means talentless crap 'sung' by talentless nobodies and hyped by the media and record companies, and the only result of them isn't helping any disasters but making those nobodies a fortune in royalties from their back catalogue of recordings.

The most famous charity record has been 'Do We Know It's Christmas Now We're Back In The Charts?' by Blandbored, which raised millions of pounds for starving people in Africa in the 1980s. Except that it didn't raise a penny for them as the UK government simply cut its aid to Africa the next financial year by the exact amount the single had raised. Still, at least The Boomtown Prats and others made huge amounts of money out of it, as all the featured acts' albums went back into the charts for weeks on end after Blandbored.

As P.T. Barnum might have said, there's one born every minute that will give their cash to fading celebrities believing that cash goes to charity. If all these 'stars' cared so much about places like Haiti they would be there now with thousands of aid workers, rebuilding houses and making soup and tending to the injured and orphaned.

A certain Bob Boggedoff added: 'Don't give 'em yer money! If you want to help just get over there, anyone can join the VSO and go and help in Haiti and places like that, it costs you nothing and you get flown there for free. So don't give those f***ing pulicity-seeking f***ers yer money now!'

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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