David Lynch Slated to Direct John Edwards Biopic

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Thursday, 4 February 2010


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More trouble for John Edwards surfaced this week when a close family friend told various gossip publications that the disgraced former Democratic presidential candidate struck his cancer-stricken wife during a shocking marriage-ending brawl.

After magazines revealed the existence of the politician's lovechild with mistress Rielle Hunter, Edwards' political prospects abruptly came to an end. John Edwards only recently admitted paternity of Hunter's daughter, Frances, who is now nearly two. These new allegations of spousal abuse have spiced up what appears to be an increasingly complex and far-reaching scandal.

The new controversy also comes on the heels of last week's admission by Edwards' former assistant, Andrew Young, of a sex tape. Young described viewing a video of a naked Edwards with a woman he presumed was Hunter.

But Young's account of Edwards didn't end there. Young described a particularly frightening episode that occurred in Edwards' campaign headquarters while he hid in a closet. The incident offers more evidence to support claims of Edwards' propensity for physical violence.

A partial transcript of Young's testimony to authorities follows:

I don't know where to begin. I was working late, and Rielle came in looking for John. I tried to get her to leave, but she insisted that John had kidnapped her daughter. She refused to go until John told her where Frances was being kept. Then I heard John kick the door in. I ran to the closet.

John entered the room dressed in some kind of weird blue velvet leisure suit. He was carrying a small tank of nitrous oxide with him. I think that's what it was. He was breathing in the gas through, like, a surgical mask. Rielle rushed over and addressed him by name. John slapped her across the face and screamed, "It's Daddy, you shit head! Where's my bourbon?"

Rielle went to the cabinet and got out a bottle of whiskey. She started pouring the drink when John slapped her again and pushed her to the ground. He tore open her clothes and stuffed some kind of handkerchief into her mouth. Then he...he, I mean, he just raped the holy hell out of her. Kept calling her foul names and punching her in the face. Then he toweled off and left. Just like that. I've never seen anything so nasty and vulgar.

Young also mentioned a three-legged midget dancing on the sofa, but later attributed the vision to the amount of laughing gas filling the room.

The District Attorney's office is expected to issue a warrant for Edwards' arrest this afternoon. Meanwhile, Hollywood is gearing up to seize the opportunity. Four major studios are said to be vying for the rights to the John Edwards biopic. David Lynch has been approached by every interested party to direct the film, which will explore Edwards' life from the point of his presidential campaign to the present. Reportedly, Lynch has not only agreed to steer the project but also to write the script.

Insiders say Lynch's initial concept of the film involves some kind of blind gypsy woman who lives in junkyard behind a trailer park, a family of humanoid dung beetles, a sexually confused hitchhiking transvestite, and a dogged but slightly retarded police detective. Sources believe Lynch plans to shoot the film using only primary colors, with a soundtrack composed of no more than seven piano notes and a broken cymbal.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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