Written by matwil

Thursday, 4 February 2010

image for 'Escape From Newcastle-Upon-Tyne' starring Kurt Russell premieres today
The Scot With No Brains pub

As the annual tedious Oscar ceremonies rapidly approached this month, 'Escape From Newcastle-Upon-Tyne' was released today to be a last-minute candidate for a Goldyawn Globe award.

Directed by John Tarantino Coppola the action begins as Kurt Russell finds himself in a city that nobody can leave, a place full of violent and desperate maniacs and policed by the dreaded 'Polis', that make the SS look like harmless schoolchildren.

The action begins as Russell goes into a shop in Newcastle to buy four cans of a strange brown fizzy liquid and uses the city's strange dialect to speak to the shopkeeper there. 'Why aye, man', he says, 'give us four cans ae Newky Broon tae tak oot wi' us, an' 20 tabs an' a Mars bar, like'.

'Ah'm sorry, pal', the shopleeper replies, 'Ah divvn't kna whit yer takin' aboot, ya bam, now git oot me shop or I'll gie you a Gateshead kiss!', and being American Russell quickly leaves, muttering about 'freedom' and 'democracy', words usually used as an excuse for Americans to try and plunder Third World countries that usually kick them out of their countries again after a few years, like Vietnam and Iraq.

Russell then goes to a pub, The Scot With No Brains, to assess his situation. 'Ah'm not sure, like, what Ah should be doin', ye knaw', he says to his pint of Newcastle Brown Ale, 'mebbe Ah should just become a rock star, man, and sit aboot and drink away all the money Ah make oot of it in this pub', and as songs are being murdered next door in the lounge bar in a karaoke contest he goes through there, and takes the mike and sings:

'Sitting in a sleazy cheapo ale house
Living off the dole
Drinking cans of Newky Broon Ale
Whit has a funny smell

[Chorus] And the fog in my brain is all mine all mine
The fog in my brain is all mine
The fog in my brain is all mine all mine
The fog in my brain is all mine

Could a copper catch a crooked bad cold here
Could a copper comprehend
That there's more crooks in Gateshead than Liverpool
And that's just in Wallsend

[Chorus] ...

Bonny canny dinnae, divvn't dinnae lassies
Scots spoken in England
With an accent that's worse than the Brummie one
We know it should be banned

[Chorus] ...

We can swing together, we can lose at football
We can do bugger all
If someone buys up our black and white Magpies
They'll still never win f*** all

[Chorus] ...'

'Escape From Newcastle-Upon-Tyne' starring Kurt Russell at a cinema near you. Also starring Paul 'Five Tears' Gascoigne, Jimmy 'Crocodile Tears About Leaving This City' Nail, Alan 'I Was A Player So Must Be A Good Manager As I Have A Geordie Accent, Like' Shearer.

Produced by Steve 'Crap Player And Manager' Bruce. Directed by Malcolm 'X' McDonald.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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