Netherlands Reclaims NY's Holland Tunnel, Will Legalize Marijuana, Prostitution

Funny story written by zooguy

Friday, 15 October 2004


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Bloomberg digs the Dutch

New York, NY - The tiny progressive European country, the Netherlands claimed imminent domain yesterday over New York's famous Holland Tunnel. It plans to raise badly-needed tax dollars by legalizing and taxing the sale of marijuana and prostitution.

"Zees eez ah great day for te Nederlanden," said New York's Dutch Consulate, Johan Van Den Lingenbergenzidavenstaafen through a painfully-thick accent.

"Vee can now eenstitute reformen in te countrie like, how you say, ah jes, lower tax burden for te peoplepoopenstaafen" Van Den Lingenbergenzidavenstaafen continued.

NYC Mayor, millionaire Michael Bloomberg blessed the deal.

"New York can now rid itself of the scourge of illegal sex with skanky hookers and offer a safe haven for our dope-smoking community. Crime will drop like a rock in this town and I will eclipse that damn Rudy Giulliani as most famous New York mayor ever."

After numerous failed attempts to decipher Van Den Lingenbergenzidavenstaafen's English, reporters requested a written statement from the Dutch Embassy in Washington.

The statement read that since New York once belonged to the Dutch as New Amsterdam, and the tunnel is named after the famous country renown for it's windmills, tulips and Heidi-like milk maids, the country had legal rights to New York's major artery connecting the Big Apple with the Garden State.

The document continued that the Netherlands plans to close the tunnel and turn it into half brothel, half head shop where prostitution and the sale of marijuana will be legal - and taxable.

It is estimated that these two illegal vices account for up to $30 million dollars of untaxed sales annually in New York City alone. Given that Holland (the country) is so small and sparsely populated save for an occasional tour bus of American senior citizens, the tax base is miniscule. With the skyrocketing cost of importing wood from neighboring Luxembourg for the vital wooden shoe market, the country will go broke by 2013. This new tax revenue be a windfall for the tiny kingdom given the horny and high nature of New York's population.

"Now the NYPD can turn their attention to important matters like rounding up Mets fans and protecting Liza Minelli" Bloomberg noted.

The change of sovereignty is scheduled for midnight, December 31, 2004 during Dick Clark's Rockin' New Year's Eve Star-studded Bash.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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