DETROIT - The rumor that had been running rampant throughout the city of Detroit and lower Michigan for the past month has become reality.
Detroit Tigers owner Michael Ilitch has confirmed reports that he has in fact sold his Major League Baseball team to pro-golfer and sexual bon-vivant Eldrick Tont Woods, aka Tiger Woods.
The terms of the sale were not disclosed, but an inside source did say that the amount was a damn whole hell of a lot of money.
Illitch had said that ever since Tiger Wood's "Golf Gate" story hit, he decided that it would be best if he could sell the team. He said that he received thousands of letters, emails, text messages, and phone calls insisting that he change the team's name from Tigers to something else because of the extreme negative connotations that the Tiger name had received thanks to Tiger "The Dick With Feet" Woods.
The former owner said that with Woods now being the sole owner the fans will not expect him to change the name. Tiger is banking on having the season ticket holders respond by renewing their season tickets.
When Tiger was asked if it meant that he would be giving up golf, he smiled and replied that he was leaning that way. He said that he plans to be a hands-on owner, no pun intended.
He was then asked if his wife is still planning on divorcing his alley-cating butt. Woods responded by saying that what his wife does is no ones damn business and as for his alley-cating butt, he stated that again, it's no ones business but his and his twelve or so members of his "Scorecard Cutey's Club."
Woods did say that he hopes that the Detroit Tiger fans will take all of the little indiscretions that he has had in the past and put them in the past where they belong.
He pointed out that his pokin' was private, personal, and personified the fact that the American people will forgive a man for any indiscretion or 12 that he may be guilty of as long as he admits it or in this case them.
Tiger held a press conference and he told the assembled radio and television reporters that he plans to bring a new and vibrant enthusiasm to the team.
He has already spoken to the Detroit Tigers Director of Special Promotions, Lance Daybright about some ideas and plans that he has to bring in the fans.
Woods said that on opening day of the 2010, season he will be having his "Bring In A Golf Ball and Get In Free" Promotion.
He smiled and added and if a male brings in two balls then he will also receive a free 32-ounce commemorative Tiger Woods Cup of Busch Beer and again no pun intended, implied, or otherwise suggested.
Tiger will also have all of the stadium concession stands selling post card size photos of him for $6, or autographed ones for $13.
And as a special added bonus, he will also be selling a set of twelve "Girls of Golf Gate" bubblegum trading cards for $27, with all of the proceeds going into the "Girls of Golf Gate Settlement Fund."
