Undisclosed location, USA - Leon Panetta, Director of the Central Intelligence Agency, has set up a special group of crack agents to figure out what he's getting from his wife for Christmas.
Panetta, whose package weighs approximately six and a half pounds and is two and a half by one foot, brought in some of the best analysts, including some from as far away as Turkey and Indonesia. He asked them to guess what could be inside without actually opening the gift wrap.
"I considered simply opening and rewrapping, but our legal team said that violates the international standards set forth in the Christmas Convention of 1949, and unlike the Bush administration, we support international law," Panetta said.
An attempt by financial analysis failed when they discovered the Panetta's wife Sylvia hadn't used the couple's debit or credit cards in the purchase.
"Mrs. Panetta is savvy to the CIA's resources and her husband's attempts. We'll have to think outside the box in order to get inside," CIA analyst Mark David said.
Shaking the box has failed to convince even the most advanced bomb squad members and x-ray imagery was blocked by the metallic wrapping paper used to surround the gift. Some sort of sound deadening padding, possibly in the form of packing peanuts or tissue paper, has made ultrasound equally unavailable.
"This is so hard! I can't wait, I can't I can't," Panetta said, looking sadly toward the calendar.
Panetta has been comforted by Deputy Director Stephen Knappes, who has shared Christmas cookies and his DVD of A Charlie Brown Christmas, to take Panetta's mind off the gift.