BATTLE CREEK, Michigan - The Kelly Breakfast Cereal Company which is the nation's number one provider of dry breakfast cereal is tremendously upset with Tiger Woods.
Company spokesperson Wanda Beth Shallowater said that since the Tiger Woods "Golf Gate" scandal broke, sales of the companies Frisky Flakes Cereal have dropped by 87 percent.
Shallowater said that merchants are reporting that mothers are shying away from the boxes with Tony the Tiger on the front of the box so that they do not have to explain to their grade school children why everyone is upset with their favorite little tiger.
One mother Gretchen Ziffenmeyer of Bismarck, North Dakota, said that little kids do not realize that the tiger that everyone in America, Canada, the United Kingdom, and Europe is furious at is not Tony the Tiger, but Tiger Woods the golfer.
She said that her little three-year-old Puffy asked her why Tony the Tiger had crashed into a fire hydrant and then refused to talk to the police for three days.
Mrs. Ziffenmeyer asked, "How do you explain to a young child that Mr. Tiger Woods received preferential treatment whereas anyone else would have had their door kicked in by the police, handcuffed, throw into the back of a police squad car, and hauled off to a cold damp jail cell?"
A sales rep for Frisky Flakes Dalfino Minneola added that it just looks bad. He asked how in the world can a person have the unbelievable audacity to just say that he does not wish to talk to the police and get away with that?
If it had been John Q. Public his ass would have been in jail as soon as they had picked his ass up off of the nasty driveway.
Minneola did say that at least the sales of Hannah Montana Sugar Balls Cereal have picked up with increased sales of 17 percent.
So for the time being The Kelly Breakfast Company is putting Tony the Tiger on the back burner. They have sent out directives that other company cereal mascots such as Sandy the Sugar-Coated Seal, Trixie the Chocolate Tarantula, and Pedro the Puffed Rice Piranha are to increase their public relations exposure.
In a related story. Reports are filtering out that other groups that are furious at the bad publicity that Tigers are receiving thanks to that crotch hound Tiger Woods are members of The Detroit Tigers, The LSU Tigers, The Auburn Tigers, The Clemson Tigers, The Princeton Tigers, and even Exxon-Mobil's Exxon Tiger.
