Harry Reid: Health Bill to Please Everyone

Funny story written by Zabdgrov667

Wednesday, 2 December 2009

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Congressmen hiding from citizens and journalists.

WASHINGTON, DC - After extensive discussion on the Health Care Bill, Harry Reid has announced that "everything everyone wants" will be in the final legislation.

By using "triggers" and vague nonexistent government positions and committees to determine costs and benefits, we can guarantee that anyone in Congress can get anything, any time, for as long as we want.

Current estimates place HR 3200 at 8,600 pages once the House and Senate versions are merged with trigger provisions.

A few triggers announced (from as many as 150):

  • Trigger to prohibit Federal funding of abortion.
  • Trigger to fully cover abortion with Federal funding.
  • Trigger to delete the Public Option from Federally funded health care.
  • Trigger to establish the Public Option as a mandatory government entitlement.
  • Trigger to restrict Health Care benefits to US citizens.
  • Trigger to ensure Health Care benefits to anyone on US soil, regardless of nationality or political affiliation with foreign organizations such as al-Qaeda.
  • Trigger to fully subsidize state expenses for Medicare and Medicaid.
  • Trigger to set Medicare and Medicaid as completely unfunded mandates, holding state budgets liable for all medical products, services, and administrative responsibilities.
  • Trigger to allow purchase of insurance across state lines, retention of policies without change to benefits or conditions of coverage, or refusal of health insurance participation.
  • Trigger to mandate government program participation with penalties equal to or exceeding capital crimes, except where the executive branch grants amnesty or a waiver.

Sources indicate that Rahm Emanuel has suggested abortion be redefined to allow the procedure as late as 65 years post-conception.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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