Lou "The 8 Million Dollar Man" Dobbs Signs Up For Unemployment Benefits

Funny story written by Abel Rodriguez

Tuesday, 17 November 2009

image for Lou "The 8 Million Dollar Man" Dobbs Signs Up For Unemployment Benefits
Lou Dobbs without his toupee pulling his lunch box on his way to the New Jersey Unemployment Office.

WANTAGE, New Jersey - Lou Dobbs who recently resigned from CNN, for whom he had worked 27 years, has applied for unemployment benefits.

Louis Carl Dobbs, aka Carlitos, who still had a year and a half on his contract, was given a severance package of $8 million by CNN.

When Mr. Dobbs was asked why in the world he would apply for unemployment benefits the man known as "Cabbage Patch Lou" sternly remarked that because for over 40 friggin years he had been paying diligently into the unemployment benefits program.

He went on to say that now that he is unemployed he is entitled, as a naturalized citizen, and as a 100 percent legal American to reap those benefits.

Dobbs wanted to remind everyone, and especially the president of the United States, that he was born in America. He received an education in America. He worked in America. And he eventually through his political and economic ramblings, rantings, and ravings, managed to irritate a lot of folks in America.

The 67-year-old out spoken self-proclaimed middle-of-the-roader proudly pointed out that since he was already here, he did not have to swim no river, or jump no fence, or dig under no fence.

He patriotically stated that he was born here and that he had walked out of the hospital on his own two American baby feet.

"You were a new born baby and you walked out of the hospital on your own two American baby feet?" Dobbs was asked.

"Yes, that's right." Dobbs replied. He then added that the reporter made it seem like it was a highly unusual thing.

The New Jersey State Department of Unemployment Benefits was asked what Mr. Dobbs monthly unemployment benefits would be.

A Mr. Gulliver V. Melamine, who is the assistant director of the Monthly Unemployment Benefits Division, noted that unemployment benefits are based on the amount of money one was making at their last place of employment before becoming unemployed.

So the amount of Mr. Dobbs monthly unemployment check, being based on his previous, pre-unemployment salary is going to be $444,444.44.

When Mr. Melamine was told that, that was absolutely ridiculous, he replied "Ridiculous yes, illegal no." He said that New Jersey is very unique in regards to who gets and receives unemployment benefits as well as the amount.

He added that of the 50 states, 49 will only allow unemployment benefits to be paid if the employee was fired; not if he quit or resigned of his own volition.

Mr. Melamine was informed that there are unemployed citizens of New Jersey living in cardboard boxes and subsisting on monthly unemployment checks of as little as $87.

He was asked how can one possibly justify paying a man, like Dobbs, who is already a millionaire many times over monthly unemployment benefits of almost half a million dollars a month.

Mr. Melamine said that in Mr. Dobbs defense, that he will probably be able to find a new job pretty soon.

When told that, that is not the damn point Mr. Melamine shook his head and murmured something under his breath. When asked to repeat it, Mr. Melamine said "I guess that it just falls under the category of 'tough titty said the kitty.'"

Mr. Dobbs reportedly told his long time neighbor Paco Tamales that he plans to use part of his unemployment check money to purchase electrical cords and free-standing generators.

He plans on donating them to The United States Border Fence Committee so that part of the U.S. - Mexico fence can be electrically charged.

Dobbs states that this way, the illegals will not be able to jump over the fence, or dig under it without getting hit with about 50,000 volts of attention-getting electricity.

Lou laughed and said that 50,000 volts is enough to warm up the bean and cheese burrito in someones back pocket real pronto-like.

SIDENOTE: Whatever money Dobbs donates to The U.S. Border Fence Committee will not be able to be used to electrically charge the fence. The reason being that PETA has announced that if it is it will immediately begin filing lawsuits due to the fact that the fence will literally fry all kinds of little animals, critters, and varmints such as squirrels, rabbits, fire ants, tarantulas, baby chicks, and Mexican Chihuahuas.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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