WANTAGE, New Jersey - Lou Dobbs, the highly outspoken television commentator, reported to Wantage police that his home has once again been victimized by what he believes to be illegal aliens.
Deputy Corky "Little Bubba" Pickapeck asked Mr. Dobbs what makes him think that the aliens are from outer space.
Dobbs angrily told him that he did not say that they were space aliens, he said that they were illegal aliens. Deputy Pickapeck took out his notepad and asked him to describe what their space ship looked like.
Lou "The Old Cabbage Patch Doll" Dobbs, who probably has more 'nicknames' than his friends and cohorts Rush Limbaugh, Bill O'Reilly, and Glenn Beck combined, told Deputy Pickapeck that he wanted to speak to another police officer from the Wantage Police Department and preferably with one who has an IQ that is not in the single digit numbers.
Pickapeck looked quite puzzled and asked, "Hey, now Mr. Dubbs, what the hell does Dairy Queen have to do with this?"
Dobbs, now completely frustrated asked if he had been dropped on his head as a child or what.
Pickapeck grinned and asked him how in the world he knew that. He informed him that his materialistic (maternal) grandmother Puddles Pickapeck told him that he had actually been dropped on his head about a dozen times from the time he was a week old to the time he dropped out of the second grade.
Dobbs again asked to talk to another officer but this time he said please (about six times)
Deputy Pickapeck laughed and said "Now, Mr. Dibbs, you know that because of the horrible ecumenical (economical) situation we have had to let two/thirds of our 'finest' go and that I am the only officer left on the Wantage police force, except for Bertha Stackholder, but she ain't really a police officer she's more like a what's the word...oh I got it, a receptionist."
Dobbs, who was now irritated beyond belief, said that he wanted to talk to the police chief. Deputy Pickapeck told him that Police Chief Waldo Curtainfork had driven over to the far side of the county to investigate a rooster theft. He then said that he probably would not be back for two or maybe three days.
"Two or three days?" Dobbs yelled out. "My goodness man, why would it take two or three days to investigate a damn friggin rooster theft?"
Pickapeck blushed and then said, that he wasn't supposed to say anything but that there really wasn't no rooster theft.
He then remarked that Police Chief Curtainfork has him a girlfriend who lives over in Hayseed Creek and he just uses 'theft' incidents as excuses to go on by and see little old "Pumpkin Patch" Patty as he calls her.
"Why that is disgusting!" Dobbs shouted.
Pickapeck said that he agreed totally and added that Patty really is very disgusting. He went on to say that old "Pumpkin Patch" smells like a week old jack-o-lantern, she chews tobacco, drinks moonshine, and has some kind of backwoods intestinal affliction that causes her to involuntarily pass gas about every 55 seconds or so.
In related news. Wantage Mayor Buford Rugridge said that last week's cake sale went very well. The sales from the 14 cakes managed to bring in $27.15. The money will be added to the $49.11 already in the county treasury and he will go out to Best Buy and purchase a much-needed new police car siren. He laughed and said that "Little Bubba" was getting kind of tired of having to stick his head out the patrol car window and make that Errrrr-Errrrr sound.