Milton P. Bennett is the latest victim of the Hate Crime Laws in America. He is 65yrs old, heterosexual and caucasian, father of three, a heroic Vietnam vet and much loved by his community. But that didn't stop the St Louis Melanin Fairies (SLMF) from harrassing him and making his life hell. Their office is adjacent to and in the same building as Milton's realtor business. And ever since a mix up over decaffeinated coffee in the shared rest area, the SLMF have been bullying Milton with nasty, racist and heterophobic comments.
"It all started last year ," explains Milton P. Bennett, "It was a simple mistake. I wasn't wearing my reading glasses so when I refilled the coffee jar I saw a blue packet and assumed it was decaff. How was I to know they had changed suppliers and the new decaff packets were red?"
The next day the SLMF was competing in a gay-themed gameshow, Broadway Bonanza. Not having had any sleep they performed dismally and scored the lowest score on the show since its inception. Ever since, they have made Mr Bennett's life a misery.
"The first thing they did was relabel the coffee whitener jar as 'Honky Powder'. I tore the sticker off so then they had it engraved on the jar. After that they did my name-plaque on my door - Milky P. Breeder. They call me pussypumper, po' white trash, Eminem's grampaw, gomer with piles, stinkypink ... the list goes on!"
Last 4th of July Mr Bennett awoke at 3 o'clock in the morning to the sound of a chorus singing Gloria Gaynor songs. He looked out of his bedroom window and was astonished to see a group of people dressed in pink Klan outfits burning a wooden lamda sign. When they saw him at the window they pulled up their cloaks and masturbated in unison over his Michaelangelo's David fountain centrepiece.
But Milton P. Bennett has had the last laugh. "I called the police and they analyzed 15 individuals' sperm they scraped off the statue. Those bastards will rue the day they messed with me ! Why, when they're all in prison they're gonna get ... oh ... they'll probably enjoy that. Damn!"
The prosecution starts tomorrow
