Century City, California - Adam West is now King West, courtesy of the unanimous vote of all the other has-been action heroes throughout television history. He is the first to have the title.
It started as a routine meeting of some of Hollywood's most known has-beens, but in a surprise move, they declared themselves a Television Convention and started passing proclamations, including naming a King.
Said Mark "Luke Skywalker" Hamill, "This is long overdue. For decades we've allowed ourselves to be spoofed - even to take gigs in which we are made to spoof ourselves. We had no strong leader to stand up for our rights. That's changed now."
Besides the coronation of King Adam the First, a Declaration of Independence and Bill of Rights was adopted, to thunderous applause. Introduced to the assembled for vote by Lou "Incredible Hulk" Ferrigno, it guarantees certain rights to all has-beens.
The Declaration reads in part:
"We find these truths to be self-evident, that all has-beens are created equal, and should be treated by their producers in appropriate ways, like actual pay, minimal respect, and no degradation."
Their Bill of Rights reads in part:
"Producers shall make no movie that degrades a man's past performance, nor induce him to spoof himself. Right of actual acting roles, and not glorified extra roles in quasi-Lifetime movies shall not be abridged."
"A well-regulated grade B acting pool being essential to the maintenance of a healthy movie industry, the right of the has-beens to a living wage shall not be denied."
A small note of controversy was present, though. Gil "Buck Rogers" Gerard yelled down those who wanted to include all has-beens, not just has-been action heroes. John "Higgins" Hillerman and Maureen "Marsha Brady" McCormick had been pushing for that.
In a compromise, it was decided to let non-action hero has-beens vote, but their votes would only count 3/5th of the action heroes. At this point, Joyce "Janet Wood" DeWitt stormed out.
Said Ms. DeWitt, "What of the other has-been groups? The has-been sex symbols, the has-been child stars, the has-been lovable TV parents? Are they to sit in the back of the bus while the has-been heroes primp and preen up front? This is outrageous!"
But as Bruce "Scarecrow" Boxleitner put it, "No one is fully happy with this compromise, but it's a step in the right direction. Let us support our new King, and hope for the best."
