Written by Abel Rodriguez

Thursday, 8 October 2009

image for Kirstie Alley Hits 409 Pounds - Says She Is Completely Giving Up All Food
Kirstie says that she has fallen off her diet so bad that when she eats a salad she uses gummy bears in place of croutons.

MALIBU BEACH, California - Actress Kirstie Alley who is best noted for her role of the cigarette-addicted manager of the bar in the TV sit-com Cheers has just hit the big 409.

Alley who has been battling weight loss for the past several years says that her problem is that she just has never met a food that she did not like.

She then thought for a moment and then said that she does not like oysters, raisins, or fried pumpkin.

Kirstie confessed that her last boyfriend, Bippity Tagliamento, broke up with her because he said that every time that they went out to dinner he had to go to the ATM machine twice ($300 x 2).

Miss Alley has said that she decided that she had to do something to lose some weight when she noticed that her master bedroom toilet was starting to tilt a little bit. Her maid, Tiddly Sue playfully referred to it as the leaning toilet of Alley.

Kirstie did not like Tiddly Sue joking around like that and she fired her because as she put it, "I will not tolerate toilet humor, intended or otherwise."

Miss Alley said that she did not notice until Tiddly Sue had left her home that she had taken four of her dresses.

The 58-year-old overweight actress noticed a few days later that Tiddly Sue had put the four dresses for sale as SUV covers.

Kirstie said that she was so embarrassed that she called and bought the four dresses back.

SIDENOTE: Kirstie, who is a member of the Church of Osmosisology, has said that she will be giving up food completely. She has vowed to lose at least 209 pounds so that she can fit into the clothes that she wore in her last movie Nailed. She said that she has been offered the role of Aunt Rita in the Nailed sequel entitled, Hammered.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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Topics: kirstie alley

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