Appearance on Oprah Lands Kirstie Alley Donut Contract

Funny story written by The San Francisco Onion

Monday, 4 May 2009

image for Appearance on Oprah Lands Kirstie Alley Donut Contract
"eating food stuffed fat woman"

WINSTON-SALEM, NC - Maybe Kirstie Alley isn't a "perfect fit" for Jenny Craig anymore, but that's just fine with donut manufacturer Krispy Dunk. Inspired by her testimonial on Oprah's show Thursday, company executives negotiated a contract and signed the burgeoning actress to a deal that will make Alley their national spokesperson.

"It's almost like it was meant to be," said Alley on the new alliance. "You know, back in the thirties, the founder used to sell donuts to grocery stores in Winston-Salem, but people liked them so much, he cut a hole in the wall of his shop so he could sell donuts directly to his customers. And in the nineties, I cut a hole in the wall of my dressing room so I could hide donuts behind a picture frame!"

Alley will reportedly be appearing in a series of commercial spots that are both spoofs of her earlier Jen E. Craig commercials and loosely based on the Big Showtime network's controversial sitcom "Fat Actress" aired in Spring 2005. Many overweight people found the latter offensive, and it did not air a second season.

She will also contribute to writing the ads, as she did for the sitcom which, though fictional, was loosely based on incidents in her life. Alley says the commercial spots, like the show, are meant to de-stigmatize the obesity issue, empowering her because she will be the one making the fat jokes, not someone else.

One of the ads will feature a split screen with Alley on the phone in her dressing room, talking to a friend who says she's "having dinner" while eating shreds of Kleenex out of a box and washing them down with a glass of water. Alley retrieves a box of donuts from a hole in the wall behind a framed picture and turns to the camera with a sultry look saying, "Have you had your Krispy Dunk?"

As for herself, Alley has vowed to re-install the gym her dining room replaced when she left Jen E. Craig. She says she'll shed those 75 pounds once more despite the deal, enjoying only an "occasional" donut. We wish her the best of luck and, like her and Oprah, will probably be doing pretty much the same thing.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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