Richard and Judy's Girl Banned From Driving

Written by Mark Mywords

Wednesday, 2 September 2009

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The attractive blonde daughter of TV presenters Richard 'Dick' Milady and Judy Vinaigrette has been disqualified from driving after pleading guilty to drink driving.

Muswell Hill Magistrates' Court heard that highly attractive blonde stunner Chloe Milady, 22, was almost twice the legal limit when she hit a stationary vehicle causing her puce Fiat Uno to overturn.

The court was told by her solicitor, Seymour Sludge, that the drop-dead gorgeous blonde, stunningly attractive and yet somehow sadly inaccessible, Milady had been out for the evening paying a surprise visit to the Ponders End Children's Leper Colony for Very Poorly Children with Big Eyes, where she is a patron, in order to give them a great big hug and make them all feel much better.

When she got back to her car, she was shocked to find that a bottle of Veuve Cliquot 1985 had somehow secreted itself inside her jacket, and she simply could not resist a quick tipple.

"We all know how easy it is to discover bottles of vintage champagne lying around our clothing," said Mr Sludge, looking across at Milady's father, who was sat in the public gallery.

"Having made the rather unfortunate decision to drive home," continued Mr Sludge, "she was then horrified to see the ghost of Michael Jackson, along with dozens of zombies, re-animated and partially limbless corpses, and all other manner of the living dead, re-enacting the video from 'Thriller' in Primrose Gardens, Hendon. She swerved to avoid hitting a decomposing ghoul that was breakdancing on a manhole cover, whereupon she clipped a stationary green Volkswagen Beetle. If she HADN'T swerved," claimed Mr Sludge, "that ghoul would probably not be alive today."

Chairman of the Magistrates', Kenneth Lustbucket, managing to avoid the pool of drool around his feet which had been forming for most of the proceedings, told the stunningly attractive hot to trot Milady, whose scarlet glossy lips pouted and quivered ever so enticingly at all the right moments, that she had been "a very silly girly-wirly" and not to do it again. He said he would have to ban her for at least ten minutes, although this could be reduced if she agreed to blow his device after the hearing. He further ordered the Crown Prosecution Service to pay the sum of £500 to Ms Milady towards helping poor and needy child lepers all over north London.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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