Big Bird Assaulted While Walking Down Sesame Street

Funny story written by ESB

Sunday, 6 September 2009

image for Big Bird Assaulted While Walking Down Sesame Street
A child joins the search for Bird's attackers

New York - Everyone's favorite giant yellow bird is a little black and blue this morning. Big Bird was attacked Saturday night as he returned to his home on Sesame Street.

Police reports indicate the attackers were after Bird's childlike innocence. When Bird refused the suspects punched and kicked him until he passed out. Count von Count, the neighborhood vampire discovered Bird's body and called police. "It looked like he had been hit 1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8 times," said Count.

This is just the latest in a string of violence on Sesame Street. Oscar the Grouch is missing and presumed dead. Last month someone threw the local misanthrope into a garbage truck - presumably after he gave one of his trademark-barbed responses. Searches at area landfills turned up nothing. A week later vandals spray-painted hate messages outside the home of Bert and Ernie. Police believe the messages; "S is for sin" and "G is for God hates you" are references to the roommates' sexuality.

Bird suffered minor injuries in the incident. Doctors think he'll make a full recovery. Police are looking for the suspects. In the meantime residents are being asked to keep a watchful eye and to avoid telling strangers how to get to Sesame Street.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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