Poll: Gay Babies are Less Adorable

Funny story written by ESB

Thursday, 27 August 2009


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A gay baby

Colorado Springs, CO - Heterosexual babies - cute, cuddly, maybe even precious. These were the descriptors most chosen by a group of five hundred respondents to a poll conducted by the Christian organization Focus on the Family.

Survey participants were asked a series of questions about the differences between heterosexual and gay babies. When asked to describe a gay baby the most common answers were scary, weird and fashionable.

"You can't argue with a gay babies' sense of style. I mean they really do look great in a onesie," said Alan Douglas. Douglas participated in the poll. The 47-year-old father of two has no gay babies and concedes, "he wouldn't know what to do with one."

Douglas' concerns were shared by many who took part in the poll.

Sarah James, mother of three said, "I would be worried if I had a lesbian baby. I'm not sure it would be proper to breastfeed - I wouldn't want the baby to get the wrong idea."

Concern over being seen as a pedophile was a common thread in many of the responses.

Douglas said, "I love babies." He quickly added "heterosexual babies. I don't love them love them; you know I love them like a father - a father who doesn't want to have sex with his children." When asked to clarify Douglas said, "like a heterosexual father, you know - no hugging and stuff like that."

The five hundred participants were chosen at random from an email list. The list is comprised of people who receive a monthly newsletter from Focus on the Family.

Many of the respondents listed the intuition of "just knowing" - as their primary means of identifying gay babies. There is still some doubt about the effectiveness of this technique when it comes to babies although it has been proven to work with adults.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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