Dead NFL Star Steve McNair Accused Of Drunkenness

Funny story written by tlmedia

Tuesday, 21 July 2009

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A Drunk McNair At Work Before His Tragic Death

(AP) - NASHVILLE, Tenn. - The local Sherriff here says he will file charges against the late NFL star Steve McNair for having a blood-alcohol level twice Tennessee's legal limit when his girlfriend shot him to death. Sherriff Bud "Big Butt" Hunnecutt says McNair will be charged under that states newly enacted "Living While Intoxicated" act. The law is also called, "LWI."

"Just because he's dead he's not excused from such an egregious violation, "Hunnecutt said,"He's a national role model for the youth of America and that's what makes this case even more serious."

Asked how he plans to prosecute a dead person, Hunnecutt retorted, "District Attorney Seymour "Big Butt" Butz has a plan. He'll be using a medium, but that's all I can tell you right now. We have him dead to rights, so to speak. He'll be exhumed for trial, serve his time and then returned to his resting place. We are very respectful of the dead," the Sherriff noted. "He'll be treated like any other prisoner, staying in a maximum security facility, with a cell-mate who might enjoy his company, if you know what I mean," Hunnecut added.

Public Defender Paul "St. Paul" Dhummie has agreed to take the case. "McNair is clearly being framed in this case, no doubt about it," he said. "We'll be using parts of the Twenty Third Psalm in our defense." But refused to elaborate. The use of Biblical writings is not unusual in legal matters here. Tennessee is a largely Christian state. "We may include parts of the Koran as well. I considered using the Torah but I can't read Hebrew. Because there are no Jews or bookstores here in Tennessee I couldn't find an English language version," he concluded.

Tennessee Assistant Medical Examiner Stu Pendousdork said Monday that a toxicology report showed a huge, gigantic, unbelievable amount of marijuana in the body of Sahel Kazemi. Police say the 20-year-old Kazemi shot McNair July 4 in a Nashville condo before killing herself. "She'll be prosecuted in the future, but there is really no hurry, after all woman don't have many rights in this state, except sisters and cousins. They are ripe for the picken', "Hunnecutt noted with a wide grin.

Police say McNair was likely asleep when he was shot twice in the head and twice in the chest.

Pendousdork said there was no way to tell from the report how long before McNair's death he had been drinking, but thought it was sometime this year.

Kazemi was arrested for drunken driving in Nashville two days before the shooting. Police video of the arrest showed her telling the officer that she was high as a kite. She was also carrying a kite at the time. Officials think that might be a vehicle for international drug trafficking. Unconfirmed reports say the Drug Enforcement Agency (DEA) has an interest in the case.

By Howard Cronkite Jr., AP Summer Intern Drunken Dead Person Reporter.

The Following Associated Press Summer interns also contributed to this story: Fluffy Lauer, Pinky Wallace, Corky Couric, Taco Rivera & Stoddard "Little Brian" Williams

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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