Detroit Lions Make Unusual Draft Picks

Funny story written by Jalapenoman

Sunday, 26 April 2009

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Can this year's pigskin picks help the hapless Lions?

The Detroit Lions, the first NFL team to ever go 0-16 in a season and holders of the worst record over the last eight seasons, had the first pick in this weekend's NFL draft. As a surprise to no one, they chose a quarterback in the first round. The rest of their draft picks, however, shocked a lot of people.

Their second round selection was Bubba Jones, a linebacker from Nebraska. Immediately after his pick by the Lions, Jones announced that he was going to be a draft dodger and go play in Canada. "I'se sure they football up there don't suck as bad as Detroit," said Jones.

Pick number three was Candy Middleton, a cheerleader from Florida State. A spokesman for the team said that "Since most of our fans spend more time watching the cheerleaders on the sidelines than our team on the field, we thought that a pretty girl with a huge rack was in our best interest."

In the fourth round, the team went with Britian's Got Talent's surprise performer Susan Boyle. "Since everyone in the world watches her YouTube performance constantly, we figured that we could have her sing the National Anthem at every home game. This will put butts in the seats and keep up our revenues; when that happens, who cares what takes place on the field?"

There was word on whether or not they would take Boyle to road games to sing the National Anthem in other ball parks.

The fifth round pick of the Detroit Lions was Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps (winner of 8 Gold Medals while setting 8 world records in China). "We don't know how good he would perform on the field, but he is an athlete, and we don't have too many of those. He's also been on a Wheaties box, and no one on our team has ever done that (or can even spell "Wheaties").

For their sixth round pick, the Lions selected 450 pound offensive lineman Nate "The Smorgasboard" Turner of Eastern and Western Kentucky. When told that he was selected to play for the Lions, Turner asked if Detroit had an All You Can Eat Buffet.

In the seventh and final round, Detroit traded their pick to the Dallas Cowboys for now closed Texas Stadium (the Cowboys have a new facility). The team said that "since the Cowboys always won there, we feel that we need that tradition for our team."

NFL Analysts believe that this years selections may help the Lions improve to 1-15. To help give them more information, however, they asked to speak more closely with third round pick Candy Middleton.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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