Dr Spencer Manjigglies, the noted expert on the flu and the Swine Flu in particular has announced something that has been kept from the general public until now but has decided to talk, because some of his fears are already happening.
"It is my unfortunate job to announce this morning that after very careful study, the Swine Flu will eventually cause all males to become eunuchs within a year of catching this flu. In other words, your nuggets will fall off, usually during sleep."
"We first became aware of this after three different women called us saying that they had noticed that during the night, their husband's snores changed to a higher pitch. Upon awakening them, they both discovered a loose scrotum in the bed with them and concluded that they belonged to the male."
"We do not know the reason behind this phenomenon but perhaps it comes from the many centuries of denutting pigs as it may be as much phychological as physical. Either way, you lose your nuts!"
Calling it "The Swine Two", Dr. Manjigglies stated that they had much more research to do and that no one has died from the loss of their manhood as it seems to heal almost immediately, once they drop off, usually in your sleep.
AU PRESS is already reporting a huge increase in male suicides and bluegrass singers. Oddly enough, 10 percent of those with loss or barely hanging victims have done away with themselves, 90 percent are all enjoying their new voices and are forming bands as this is being reported.
If you would like to join a band, Write to: Bluegrass Paradise, Renfro Valley Off-I65, Hwy 25, Box 111, Somersault, Kentucky, 42141.
Meanwhile, Dr. Manjigglies is leading a crusade of placing billboards across the US and Canada with the message: "SAVE THE TWO, WITH TAMIFLU!"