As the death toll rises and the nation moves towards a cataclysmic disaster Secretary of State Andy Burnham has called for calm. Just days after a child and a doctor had become the latest victims he said "I think we should keep it in perspective."
Burnham went on (well he does, doesn't he?) to insist that if the problem became really serious then this Government would act, and act fast. No, really. As he spoke through his surgical mask Burnham said that there may be a need to vaccinate the whole country, but that we needed to wait until the cabinet had their jabs first. "Swine flu is under control. Once again this Government had managed to deal with a major problem. Gordon Brown is now a world expert on swine flu and he is jetting off to save the rest of Europe."
A passing voter, Dick Phillpot of Leatherhead, was asked for his opinion. "I think we should keep it in perspective. And as a result, I don't believe a word of it. I'm off to have a check up now. I'm concerned because I am in a unique group and may contract the virus. I've got two penises you see. I could get a double dose. Of swine flu, I mean."