MADISON, WI - Oscar G. Mayer, third Oscar Mayer in a family that created an artificially preserved, mechanically separated food product empire, died today at the age of 95, having achieved nearly twice the shelf life of his company's hot dogs.
Asked the secret of his longevity just last year, the aging and admittedly rather senile Mayer indicated that he "never, ever eat[s] anything Oscar Mayer makes, under any circumstances."
Until that time, rumors had circulated regarding the possible role preservatives in his diet might have played in contributing to his advanced years.
Winners of a limited number of tickets to attend Oscar Mayer's memorial services and barbeque, plus a chance to ride in the WeenieMobile, will be determined by lottery.
John Mayer is tentatively scheduled to perform a heartfelt rendition of "I wished I was an Oscar Mayer weenie" at the televised event.
Purchase does not improve chances of winning. See your grocer for details.
Oscar Mayer's cadaver will ultimately be displayed in the museum bearing his name, preserved with less than 2% of the following: Sodium phosphates, sodium diacetate, sodium ascorbate and sodium nitrite.
The deceased will be served in an open-faced casket, garnished liberally with catsup, mustard, relish and chopped onions.
