Billy Mays Killed by Stain that Won't Go Away

Funny story written by The San Francisco Onion

Sunday, 28 June 2009

image for Billy Mays Killed by Stain that Won't Go Away
Mays' actions may have removed these tannin stains. Applied vigorously to a shadow, however, they killed him.

ORANGE GLO, FL - Superstar of the infomercial world Billy Mays was pronounced dead this morning at his home in Orange Glo, Florida.

The shouting spokesman, 50, was reportedly trying to remove a particularly stubborn stain from his carpet when he suffered a fatal heart attack, said the Orange Glo Police Chief.

Investigators also noted OxyGleam and other reducing agents had been scrubbed into the patch of EverWear StainMaestro polypropylene carpet on which Mays had been working, which "had been subjected to severe pile distortions" and "extreme discoloration."

Mays' housekeeper, when questioned about his death, burst into tears, sobbing something about being able to have prevented it.

"I was in the kitchen doorway. I could see light shining through the window behind him," she recalled. "There was a leaf outside, making a shadow on the floor. Every time a cloud would pass, the shadow would go away, and he would start smiling and pointing at the spot where he was working, really proud. Then when the cloud was gone, the shadow would come back, and he'd go right back to shouting at it and scrubbing furiously.

"It was so funny!!" she exclaimed as she burst once more into uncontrollable sobbing.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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