ANCHORAGE, AK - Saint Nicholas suffered a massive coronary thrombosis near the end of a strenuous delivery schedule this Christmas. Ignoring his doctor's repeated advice to watch his diet, the jolly old elf loaded up on milk and cookies while en route, thought to be a significant contributing factor to the heart attack.
Blood tests indicate Claus is also a prime candidate for Type II Diabetes. Doctors say his blood sugar levels were "off the chart" after the attack, and he is dangerously close to renal failure. Santa is said to be in stable condition, and is recuperating at Alaska Regional Hospital in Anchorage.
The jolly old elf joked lightheartedly with the hospital staff on several occasions before surgery. "I hope you've all been good doctors this year!" he quipped with a wink, and made several references to "naughty nurses." He also asked one particularly attractive nurse if she would like to sit on his lap.
When Mrs. Claus arrived, he was quoted as saying, "Honey, I forgot to skip the sweets." Though he was in serious condition, Santa's jovial personality did much to ease a very grave situation. Nevertheless, realizing the potential consequences of his poor health, he has promised to start a regular exercise regimen and significantly modify his diet in the upcoming year.
Elves were quick to respond to the news of the attack, and flew like a flash to finish deliveries before all the good little boys and girls awakened. Santa thanked these "unsung heroes" for helping Christmas go off without a hitch.
