John Schnatter's Face Made Into Fine Leather Handbag

Funny story written by The San Francisco Onion

Sunday, 21 June 2009

image for John Schnatter's Face Made Into Fine Leather Handbag
"They used to call me 'Pizza Face' when I was a kid. Who's laughing now?" asks Schnatter, 46.

ANCHORAGE, KY - Better Ingredients, Better Pizza... and now, it would seem Poppa's also Got a Brand New Bag.

After years of intense artificial and natural tanning, John Schnatter, Poppa Johnny's Pizza founder and pitchman, decided to ditch his damaged face, transplanting in fresh skin from his ass cheeks, thus cleverly avoiding the malignant melanoma for which Schnatter, by all accounts, was a sitting duck.

The youngest ever inductee into the Junior Achievement US Business Hall of Fame, Schnatter says he "didn't build a 3,000 store business empire by wasting ingredients." That's why, he says, he decided to have his old face made into a leather handbag of the finest quality.

Designed by Pietracella of Florence, Italy, the compact but stylish bag has three outside pockets, plus a special easy-access pocket for a cellphone. Inside, there are two more special pockets for all those small items that usually get lost in the bottom of a normal purse. All metal appointments are in solid brass, including zippers, rings, buckles, rivets, snaps and ornamentation.

Friends of Schnatter say the only down side is the unsightly reddish mole now appearing on his left cheek (of his face, that is) with four thick, black hairs growing out of it.

"That," they say, "was better off where it was."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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