The Goombalini Family Needs A Bailout

Funny story written by Abel Rodriguez

Friday, 20 March 2009

image for The Goombalini Family Needs A Bailout
Goombalini's grandsons Vinnie Stefanucci (L) and Rocco Goombalini (R) playing the video game 'Mafioso Mario'

BROOKLYN - Salvatore "The Pizzaman" Goombalini, who is the head of the Goombalini Family, which is one of New York City's most infamous mob organizations has stated that the nation's economic crisis is literally killing his 'company.'

Sal did apologize for the unfortunate pun. But he added that just like Chrysler, Ford, and all of the banks his 'business' also needs help if it is to survive.

Goombalini said that he understands the plight of every family in America who is having to make ends meet by whatever means it takes to make those ends meet.

He added that like Marlon Brando once said, "Hey, the end justifies the means."

Sal said that he truly feels for all of the American families who are having to get by on baloney sandwiches and hamburger helper while the big shots at AIG are openly feasting on T-Bones and Sirloin while raking in bonuses of millions and millions of dollars.

Goombalini said that he just does not understand how these AIG honchos are being rewarded with tremendously outrageous bonuses when all that they have really done is to run the companies that they run into the toilet."

Sal said that he would greatly appreciate it if someone could get him some chalk so that they could draw him a picture on the blackboad, because he said that he just ain't seein' the picture.

He then remarked that it's a damn good thing that these "Bonus Babies" don't work for his 'company.'

He said because if they did, he would have just called his HR (Human Resources) Department and talked to one of its directors which would be either Luigi "Crazy Brain" Pasolini or Giuseppe "The Mad Maniac" Vermicelli and vividly explain the 'situation.'

And Goombalini knowing the fantastic work ethics that both Pasolini and Vermicelli possess knows that the 'boys' would have personally hand delivered their 'bonuses' down by the East River somewhere.

Goombalini smiled and leaned back in his chair and said, "Now don't get me wrong. I am not in any way, shape, or form condoning violence, because that is violence for violence's sake, and I am strictly talking about violence of a monetary nature. (i.e. convincing them to return their bonus checks).

The Pizzaman remarked that having said that, he wanted everyone to know that his family is really no different than any other American family in the country. He commented that his family also has rules and guidelines that they have to follow.

His family has assignments and chores. They have goals and they have to pay their food bills, their electric bills, their water bills, and their cement bills, which he said had nearly tripled in cost.

Goombalini disclosed that there was a time when his 'company' could make a nice comfortable pair of cement shoes for a little under $39, but he confessed that those days are gone.

He looked out the window and said that every day he reads about this company laying off 5,000 employees, and that company laying off 10,000 workers and it is really unbelievable to him.

He noted that as the CEO of his 'company' it is not a good feeling to have to tell one of your dedicated and devoted employees that you are having to lay him (or her), as in the case of hit woman Carlotta Valentina Filomena, off.

He choked up when he said that just in the past three months alone he has had to lay off literally hundreds of employees in each and every department of his 'company.'

He made it very clear that there was not one single department that had not been affected. And he pointed out that some of the hardest hit departments have been the loan shark department, the racketeering department, and the money laundering department.

Also hit pretty hard are the extortion department and the drug trafficing department.

Goombalini said that it really pained him to have to tell a dozen or so of his hard-working bookies that he had to let them go.

And one thing about himself that he feels is unique is that he has personally made calls for each and every individual that he has furloughed and tried to place them with other 'companies.'

He remarked that he was proud to say that he did manage to place three of his laid off employees with some other 'organizations.'

One of his defense attorneys is now representing the Cachatelli Family in Detroit.

And two of his most devoted hit men are now employed by the Tannagoosa Family based in Kansas City.

Goombalini commented that even though the economic situation still looks bad, he is trying to do his part.

For the past year his team has been negotiating with the U.S. government to get the contract to capture Osama Bin Laden.

He has even offered that if he does not get him within two weeks that the original $1 billion 'finder's fee' will automatically be cut back to $500 million.

Goombalini stated that his 'company' has had two of their 'representatives' in Pakistan for the past six months.

And they have conveyed to him on a daily basis that if their 'company is awarded the contract, that they can make their move and they'll have Osama Bin Laden handcuffed and in custody within 45 minutes.

In a related story. President Obama and many members of Congress have asked that the AIG officials voluntarily give the gigantic bonus checks back.

Some have returned their checks, but most have not. Mr. Goombalini has offered to have his 'company' act as a type of go-between and personally ask each AIG official who received a 'bonus' check to please return it, no questions asked.

He added that he just wants to show that his true colors are red, white, and blue. He wants the president to know that he is willing to have his company do its part in this economic instability by acting as a type of collecting agency if you will.

And Goombalini says that to prove it he will willingly wave all fees, commissions, stipends, and compensations 100 percent.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

Comedy spoof news topics
Go to top
readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more